Forgiveness Heals The Forgiver

forgiveness

Forgiving when we have been wronged personally is one of the most difficult things we have to do. But until we forgive we carry that injury with us as if it was happening over and over. We remain the victim of the abuse as long as we continue to give the other person power by not forgiving them.
I was having a candid conversation/counselling session with a friend who was abused by her cousin when she was a little girl. She grew up with so much resentment and hurt that she unleashed that hurt on any man she could find. She hated guys so much that having anything emotional to do with a guy brought up memories of the abuse she endured at the hands of her cousin. This predicament caused an emotional disconnection and made her suicidal at times and promiscuous other times.
I had another friend who was disvirgined by 3 rapists and ever since, having emotional or sexual connection with a guy brought back memories of the rape and this led her to having sexual affairs with girls.
The sad and unfair part of their stories is that the cousin that abused the first girl and the guys that raped the other girl may have prayed to God for forgiveness, payed for their sins, have families and enjoying their lives while these girls are still carrying the hurt and punishing themselves.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with accepting the transgressor’s behaviour. Left up to me, a grown man that has the audacity to abuse a little girl should be castrated. Men Wizards that can take turns in raping a virgin should live the rest of their lives behind bars where other men will take turns in raping them.
But, what good will that do to the person that was hurt?
What good will that do to that girl that feels violated?
How will that help her regain her confidence in men?
how will that enable her to trust other men with her heart?
I’ll repeat, forgiveness has nothing to do with accepting the transgressor’s behaviour. Forgiveness involves acknowledging that while a person may have behaved in an unacceptable way, he or she is human and prone to making mistakes and bad choices. You can forgive them for making a bad decision – ALL human beings are fallible and this means they are at risk for making very big mistakes. You don’t need to love them or even like them, but giving up your hatred for them will be the first step in taking control of how you feel and not allowing your feelings to be at the mercy of someone else’s behavior.
To forgive is to let go of an affliction which has in reality already passed. If you are holding onto an affliction against you which has already passed, you are trapped by it and consumed by it. For example, both my friends have let what does men did to them consume them, they have let unforgiveness trap them from moving and enjoying their lives.
Forgiveness is for the wronged, not the wrongdoer. Forgiving releases the negativity in your heart. If you don’t forgive and instead hold a grudge, the negativity will grow and eventually overcome any and all positivity in your heart, so that all that is left will be negativity. Once that happens, all goodness is gone, and your heart will be evil.
You can’t get ahead while you’re trying to get even. Forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them more.
There is no revenge so sweet as forgiveness. The only people you should try to get even with are those who have helped you. The one guaranteed formula for limiting your potential is unforgiveness. Hate, bitterness and revenge are luxuries none of us can afford.
The best illustration as to why we should learn to forgive and let go of anger and resentment is by Buddha who said that “holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Did he promise you marriage and later impregnate someone?…forgive him and move on
Did he rape you and later deny it?…forgive him and move on
Did he get you pregnant and leave you all alone…forgive him and move on
Did she use you to finance her education and marry someone?…forgive her and move on
Your parents didn’t take care of you like all parents should?…forgive them and move on

Remember you are not forgiving him/her for their sake. Forgiveness saves you the expense of anger, the high cost of hatred and the waste of energy. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

References:
“Why Ask Why” by John Mason
“Forgiveness for the forgiver” by Mary Russell
“Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness” by Mayo Clinic Staff
“Forgiveness is for the Forgiver” by Barb

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: The letter I wish I had received. | A voice in the wilderness

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