10 Popular Lies That Nigerian Parents Tell

naija parents

1. I don’t have money: If your parents never used this line on you when you ask for money then you are either adopted or really adopted. I bet parents use this line not neccessarily when they are broke (no parent would want to admit he/she can’t provide for their children). I believe parents use this line on thier children so as not to give them the impression that money is always available. When a child has the idea that his parents would readily provide, then their needs become insatiable.

2. Beans will make you taller: Parents and this knack for deceiving their children in a bid to get them to eat protein. Our parents (assuming you are Nigerian) were always like “Eat beans if you want to be tall” and “finish your vegetables, if you don’t want to be sick”. According to a friend, she eat beans so much that she thought she was going to grow up tall as promised by mummy only for her to end up short. Instead of short Nigerian parents marrying taller spouses, they would marry their height-mate, give birth to short children and stuff them with beans hoping a miracle would happen. Keep deceiving yourselves..lol

3. Get education and a good job will be waiting for you: Nigerian parents and school!! Jesus! Go to school, go to school. “Dad what if I want to start a business like you”. “Go to school my son and afterwards, a good job will be waiting for you”. Today, the story is quite distastefully different, our youths finish school, serve their country and no jobs are waiting for them. Our parents lied.

4. Your father didn’t see my pant till the wedding night: When Naija mums be counseling their daughters on sex education, they always come up with the “we (her and her husband) were celibate till marriage” or “he married me a virgin” crap. I wonder, maybe he never saw her pant because she never wore one to his house. Maybe.

5. I never lied to my own parents: Nigerian parents never lied in their whole lives. It’s the same parent that would tell you to tell Uncle Chimezie knocking at the gate that he is not around. Ahhhhhhh. Lie lie.

6. You can carry first in class: My dad picks up my report card with me standing right in front on him, hands crossed behind my back. He orders for his glasses and my efiko brilliant sister without the fear of God..lol rushes into his room to fetch it. “Daddy this is your glasses”, she replies while handing them to him. He wears them, now seeing very clearly, looks at my report card. I am in front of him sweating and shaking. He doesn’t utter a single word as the scorn on his face is clearly visible. “You took second in class again for the 3rd term in a row” he begins. “You are the first born of this family and you keep taking second place in class, and the worst part is that you are taking second place to a girl”. “Does she have two heads? You can carry first in class”. In my mind, I was bitter and almost asked him why he doesn’t have as much money as his mates, they too don’t have two heads..lol. If I had asked that question, I am not sure I would not have been alive to type this post..lol. But needless to say that Nigerian parents will always compare you to your mates and tell you that you can carry first even when the children in your class literally have smoke coming out of their heads.

7. I know this behavior is not from me or your father: Whenever Nigerian parents are scolding their children together, none wants to take responsibility for the child’s behavior. So if I don’t behave like you or daddy, was I adopted by richer parents? Say that and die..lol

8. I don’t talk when my parents are talking: “Come here, come here, you think you are a big boy now eeeeh. When I was your age, I was already living on my own. Even at that, I never talked back at my parents”, my dad would say. Only for me to hear from an Uncle that he comfronted his own father on several occassions. Although according to my Uncle, this confrontations left him with a bruised face more times than not, this information would have given me an edge if it came when it was really needed; over ten years ago..lol

9. I took first in my class: When Nigerian parents aren’t satisfied with their children’s grades, in a bid to instill confidence in their kids, most of them would boast of spectacular grades while in school themselves. The question every Naija child would love to ask is, if all parents had good grades, whose parents carried first from the back?

10. I will kill you and nothing will happen: If you have never been threatened with homicide by your parents then you were really a good child while growing up. My mum has threatened to kill us and give birth to other children to replace us when we misbehaved. Even as a child, the thought of death at the hands of my strict mum would put you in order, no matter the level of craze you possess.

 

NOTE: I really did carry second in class at one time in my life. Although we were only 4 in the class. Second na second. Mind your business. *wink*

10 Popular Lies That Nigerian Guys Tell

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1. I love you: Naija girls can attest to the fact that the most popular and often most painful lie that Naija guys tell is the “I love you” lie. Guys are fully aware that a girl’s feelings are her weakest point. So what better way to get what they want by offering a girl what she wants: LOVE (fake love that is). Girls beware of a guy that professes love too soon. Often times its fake.

2. It’s my car: The same way Naija girls borrow pose with their friends or sisters shoes and clothes, Naija guys do same with their friends or most times their parents cars. You inherited or even borrowed your fathers car and you proudly “paint the town red” with it. Agbaya.

3. I have money: It’s a regular occurrence in Naija clubs to meet a guy popping expensive assorted drinks to impress his friends or a girl. Most times its not his hard earned money, its either yahoo money (scam/419) or its his school fees or better still his hard earned little money. After all the groove, the poor boy goes back to drinking garri to make ends meet again. Girls beware of lavish spending guys. Its often a mirage.

4. I don’t have a girlfriend: Naija guys would never admit having a girlfriend. It’s like a taboo, a no no. The hilarious part is that most girls would believe this lie and go on to have something to do with the guy. This is the truth: 95 percent of Naija guys are either in a relationship or relationships, having a fling or toasting another girl. So before you believe the “I dont have a girlfriend” story. Be prepared for the end result.

5. I am not married: I don’t know if its a Nigerian thing but seems married men don’t like their wedding bands while they insist on their wives wearing theirs. The wedding band is the fastest prove that a man is married and should be stayed clear off but when they hardly wear them, there is no prove outside intuition that a man is married. Many girls have been deceived by this lie and most suspect he’s married but just choose to ignore it for selfish personal gain.

6. I am good in bed: The same way Naija girls hardly admit their sexual urge, Naija guys overblow their sexual prowess. If you hear a Naija guy talking about how good he is in bed, you would think he was a porn star. Every Naija guy will make a girl scream. Every Naija guy is amazing in bed. Every Naija guy will take the girl to sexual heavens. But as soon as its time to perform, that’s when they make excuses for lack of performance. Such excuses include: “I had a long day at work, I was probably too excited, I am not really in the mood.”

7. I am not cheating: Asking a Naija guy if he is cheating and expecting a honest answer is like asking Buhari for his WAEC certificate, you will not get the truth. Many Naija guys are serial cheats and you would need the CIA to catch them in the act. I am not saying you should suspect your spouse of infedility but to keep your eyes open ALWAYS.

8. I am born again: So a Naija guy meets a spiritual lady in church and knowing that he can’t get her with his rascally looks and behavior, he brushes himself up and claims born-again. Tells her to come over for prayer meeting and seduces her. The story sounds too extreme but many spiritual girls’ resolve have been broken by guys that claim to be born-Again. BEWARE.

9. I am changed: When a Naija guy cheats on his girlfriend/wife or he beats her up and she leaves him, he always comes back with the “It will never happen again, I am changed” story and a love blinded girl takes him back without an ultimatum only to suffer the same fate and the cycle begins again.

10. I just want to chill: When a guy tells a Naija girl that she should come over to his place “to chill”, it’s only a dumb girl that would believe him. Naija guys never really chill. If the opportunity presents itself, like a cobra, they will strike. BEWARE.

 

NOTE: Guys that are vexed can take their revenge by reading “10 Popular Lies That Nigerian Girls Tell”. Hilarious. Enjoy

10 Popular Lies That Nigerian Girls Tell

Naija Babes

1. I am pregnant for you: I was conversing with a friend who told me she wanted to end things with her boyfriend. I had a concerned look on my face because to the best of my knowledge she was very much in love with the guy. I enquired as to the reason behind her sudden “I-want-out” mantra. In her words “I told him I was pregnant and his reaction proved to me that he hasn’t been serious with me”. She continued “Imagine, the way he reacted when I told him. He ordered me to abort the baby and seemed very angry that I let myself get pregnant as if I bought the sperm that got me pregnant”. After all said and done, she wasn’t really pregnant. Her period came later than usual and she panicked without undergoing a pregnancy test. In this case, the “love test” was conducted unintentionally but in many cases, ladies have lied about pregnancy either to test their spouse’s “love” for them or to estort abortion money from their guys or in some cases of mistaken sperm (when a girl isn’t sure who the father is).

2. The child is yours: I heard this story some years back (I can’t verify its authenticity though). So the story goes thus: A father took his child who was always falling sick to the hospital. After undergoing the necessary tests, the boy’s blood type was discovered to be SS. No problem right? Not according to the father who was AA and the mother was AS. So how come they had an SS child? Biological unexplainable. After much pressure, the woman confessed to her husband that the child wasn’t actually his. Many parents all over the world are living under the lie that the child they call theirs is really theirs. But as Nigerians would say “na one day, breeze go blow and fowl yansh go open”.

3. I am not in the mood: “I am not in the mood” is the most popular sentence women use when a man tries to initiate sex with them. No woman is ever in the mood to have sex but they are always in the mood to collect money *tiff*. In the real sense, no woman is ever in the mood for sex (apart from those with heightened sexual drives or those in the mood). Most women have to be put in the mood by her man’s touches and kisses. Men and women are very different in the sense that if a man is troubled, it doesn’t affect his sex life while if a woman is troubled, sex is the last thing on her mind. She’s not in the mood could be a ploy to play hard to get. Naija girls? Tufiakwa

4. I don’t like sex: Sex is often believed to be a “guy thing” especially in Africa. Ladies are “never” to admit that they like sex or even initiate/ask for sex. It is believed that girls who ask for sex are ppromiscuous and loose. So this mentality has been imbibed by all most women to downplay their desire for sex by claiming they don’t fancy it as much as men in their heart of hearts, they enjoy am pass anything..LOL

5. I don’t have transport money: Only a few ladies ever admit having transport money if asked to come visit. I remember the story of a chic that told the guy she was visiting to prepare cab money of N6000. Instead of entering cab, she entered bus and bike, arrived close to his place, got a cab man to take her to his place for N500. She connived with the cab man, who gave her N5000 of his money (minus N500 transport and N500 his cut). The guy steps out and pays for the cab (N6000) and she pockets N5000. Naija girls are smart. BEWARE. LOL

6. I don’t have credit: But seriously speaking, do girls ever admit having credit. If 10 people flash me, 9 are girls. A girl flashes you, you call back and she requests for airtime. You send her airtime and she calls you for let’s say 45 seconds (some don’t even bother calling but send a “Thank you” SMS) to say thank you and uses the rest to call her real friends. Damn it.

7. I can cook: All Naija girls can cook according to them. No girl ever admits not knowing how to cook even if her specialty is not more than the usual boiled rice, jollof rice and indomie. Guys know better than to believe a Naija girl can cook because she said so. Guys, don’t be the Mr. Biggs eating husband. Be Wise.

8. I am more beautiful without makeup: Naija girls like to believe that they look beautiful without makeup but never post makeup less pictures on Instagram or BBM. Girls also like to believe that someway, they are more beautiful without makeup than with makeup. Read my lips, nobody looks better without makeup than with a well done makeup. It’s like saying you look better unphoto-shopped than photo-shopped.

9. I am in school: I remember vividly when the ASUU (The Academic Staff Union of Universities) of Nigeria and the Nigerian Government were engaged in a tussle for supremacy. Most Federal and State Universities were shut and students were forced to stay at home. Those 6 months plus were the brokest and most boring times for Nigerian girls. Girls that while in school could reside in their boyfriend’s house for a month, go clubbing, go partying etc where now forced to stay home under the watchful eyes of their parents. Naija girls would never tell their parents their actual location. When away from home, they claim to be in school (maybe Abia State) but in Abuja to see friends or some dude. Parents put a tracker on your girls to avoid stories that touch.LOL

10. Deceptive looks: Every girls wants to look beautiful. Every girls wants to be appreciated and loved. But when that desire turns into deception, then it’s definitely wrong. Naija girls have advanced in their quest for perfection. This desire has moved from the common makeup to bleaching to eyebrows that look different every single time you see them to pushup bras to butt lifters to butt boosters and waist training corsets. Until I take a girl swimming, I don’t believe what I see..LOL

 

NOTE: Vexed girls can take their revenge by reading “10 Popular Lies That Nigerian Guys Tell”. Hilarious. Enjoy

The Unavailability of “Wife Materials” In Nigeria

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After downing his fourth bottle of Orijin, Wale said in his almost drunken state “my brothers, finding a good wife material in this country seems to be getting more difficult with each passing year. It almost seems technology/makeup has in its wake, eroded the wife material virtues in our ladies.”.

Ikechukwu who had two University girls sitting on his lap at the bar agreed adding “see eeeh, girlfriend material is readily available but wife material is scarce. Even the get-a-wife-in-church mantra has almost died down because our churches are occupied by girls who dance Shoki or Sekem in the club with skimpy clothes on Fridays and shout Halleluyah with covered hair in church on Sundays. I think I have to go to the village to get a wife because…..”

Chuks who was already getting worked up with the whole wife material topic when all he wanted to talk about was how soon he would get some clean runs girls to bed that night interjected Ikechukwu saying “village? you want to get wife material in the village? You don’t even know anything this man. Times have changed so drastically that getting a wife in the village is as outdated as posting letters at the post-office. The only materials you can find in the village are materials to sew clothes and househelp materials. Our village girls nowadays seem to be competing with each other on who would get pregnant first. Let me tell you, it is easier to find crude oil in your village than to find a good girl educated enough and well brought up to marry. My brothers, seems going abroad is the only option now.”

Wale added “Yes o, abroad is the way forward o. Our girls nowadays can’t even cook. They spend more time on their beds pinging away their lives than they do in the kitchen. They have more time for physical grooming (makeup, human hair etc) than they have for mental or even spiritual advancement. Even the beautiful manageable ones are busy sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry that can buy them a phone”

Ikechukwu interrupted proceedings by asking for the whereabout of the celebrant. “Where Yaw sef. Person wey dey celebrate promotion for office. The guy dey try o. Married for over 5 years now and still working his ass off at the office. Big ups to him. Where is he?”

Yaw being the only married man in the group was outside conversing with his wife on phone when the whole “wife material” drama was unfolding. He got back inside just in time before a search party was about being organized to look for him. “Guy were you dey since na?”, Chuks asked. “Abeg, I go follow my wife talk, make una no vex. So what did I miss?” Yaw replied.

“Na the unavailability of wife material in this country we dey discuss o” added Wale. Yaw smiled, drank his already getting warm bottle of STAR Lager beer and began the talk that would end up changing the lives of Ikechukwu, Chuks and Wale.

He commenced by asking them all a question.
“How many weddings did you guys attend last year?” Yaw asked.
Wale: “Well, its not like I am keeping count but I am sure I attended over 10 weddings”
Ikechukwu: “How does that have to do with the availability of wife materials na?”
Chuks: “Seven or eight”
Yaw continued “Good. So that shows that contrary to your views that good wife materials are not available, so many young ladies got married in 2014. You guys are here busy “sampling” babes and dumping them for flimsy excuses especially you Ikechukwu and in front of your koro koro eyes, these same girls get married to more serious guys. You all have to man up and stop making excuses for your unseriousness. You guys are past 30 years and still here popping champagne, changing cars, acquiring the latest phones, sagging pants and showing your swags while wasting time waiting for a blend of Mother Theresa and Beyonce as wife material. It is high time, you select one out of the babes you have almost wrecked and groom as a wife before you run out of best-men for your wedding. Trust me on this, we don’t have good “wife material” problems in Nigeria, we have inexperienced, unserious and irresponsible “husband materials” issues.

Yaw finished his “gospel message” and sipped his bottle of STAR while his bewildered friends looked down, probably hoping for the ground to open up and swallow them. This life.

 

 

yaw advice

Short play adapted from this picture on Yaw’s Instagram page

 

That One Thing Every Man Wants From His Wife

valiente

I was at the office conversing with two of my colleagues about two of my favorite topics (money and politics) when all of a sudden woman matter came up (my least favorite topic..lol). They are both married men and were advising me on the type of woman a man desires as a wife. They had already judged my kind-of-person (temperament) and were insistent of me getting hitched to someone calm headed. In Bernard’s words “…considering the kind of person you are, you can’t get married to a viscous (wahala) woman, a woman that would challenge your authority at home, a type of woman that would talk back when you are talking, you need a woman that would be calm and let you do the talking”. Oga Richard concured and added “the truth is that my wife of over 10 years can’t talk when I am talking, if she does then the leadership of the home is in question. If I am berating her or her actions, she keeps quiet until I am done and if she wants to talk, she asks for permission to speak her mind”.

The biggest problem any home would have is a woman that talks back at her husband. A woman that doesn’t know when to keep quiet. A woman that nags her man to drunkenness. No man in his right senses is desirous of a door mat, a woman that he can tell to go to hell and she will be looking forward to the trip but at least let her have enough common sense and know how and when to use it. A man needs a woman that accords her the same respect she accords her father. If you can’t talk back at your father, if you can’t insult your father, then why act in such repulsive manner to your husband and the father of your children. I have said it before that there are three things a man needs from his woman: RespectSpace, Food and Sex (Click on each to read). A woman that knows when to talk and when to keep quiet, a woman that knows that even if her man is wrong and she is right disrespecting him in public is not the way to go about proving her innocence is priceless.

At the pinnacle of our conversation, I asked Bernard the question “so if sensible men don’t get married to the viscous women, the types that for every 2 words a man says out, she replies him with 10 words, the no nonsense types, who then marries them?”. He replied “two things would happen to such women, it’s either they end up being used and dumped by smart men or they end up getting married to a “weakling” or a “dunse”.

The Bible says in Proverbs 21:9 and Proverbs 25:24 that it is better to live on the corner of the roof than with a quarrelsome wife. Another translation put it thus “Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife”. I have heard women say that they don’t take nonsense from men. I was in the bus heading to my village the other day when this beautiful (facially not character-wise) chick was insulting a fellow passenger in the bus because the man called her an ashawo (prostitute) during a heated argument. She not only finished the man but the man’s mother, sisters, nieces and unborn daughters, calling all of them ashawos. In her mind, she took her pound of flesh but all I saw was a quarrelsome woman and I looked at her hand and it was ring-less and I wasn’t surprised she wasn’t married.

Ladies, please (ejo, biko), let wisdom direct. We know you are a no nonsense woman but sometimes in life, you have to stoop to conquer. Sometimes you have to loose a battle to win the war. Have you ever wondered why some miscreants beat women? Most women give them the excuse to beat them with the excessive use of their tongue.

I will repeat, no man in his right senses would desire a quarrelsome woman, no matter how beautiful she is. Be smart and know how to handle your man without disrespecting him.

Why Some Women Have Facial Hair (Beards)

Queen Okafor

One of the most frustrating things that could happen physically to a woman is not having small feminine features like breasts or ass but having masculine features like thick voice and beards. The annoying part according to most women is the fact that it seems to grow fastest as soon as you attempt shaving them off.

What’s the cause of facial hair on women?
The condition is called hirsutism. To explain the term, I will break it down in this manner.
Women have measurable amounts of androgens (male hormones) in their blood while men have measurable amounts of estrogen (female hormones) in their blood. The problem arises when there is excessive amounts of androgen in the woman or excessive amount of estrogen in the man. Features like hair on the chest or face and even thick voices begin to appear in women while big hips or ass, man-boobs begin to appear in men. In most cases, hirsutism is hereditary, it tends to run in families. In general, hirsutism is a harmless condition but many women find it bothersome, or even embarrassing and most men find it awkward and discomforting.
In some cases, the extra androgen comes from medications. Some birth control pills as well as certain steroids contain androgens, or have effects similar to androgens. Other drugs indirectly cause the body to make extra androgen hormones; these include some medicines to treat schizophrenia, seizures, migraine headaches, bipolar disorder and high blood pressure. Occasionally, an abnormality in the ovaries, the adrenal glands or the pituitary gland can cause overproduction of androgens. One such (common) condition is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (POS).

Hirsutism is generally a long-term problem. There are a number of ways to remove or treat unwanted hair. Some treatment effects last longer than others.

Temporary hair removal options include:
Shaving does not cause more hair to grow, but the hair may look thicker.
Plucking and waxing are fairly safe and are not expensive. However, they can be painful and there is a risk for scarring, swelling, and skin darkening.

Permanent hair removal options include:
Electrolysis uses electrical current to permanently damage individual hair follicles so they do not grow back. This method is expensive, and multiple treatments are needed. Swelling, scarring, and redness of the skin may occur.
Laser hair removal uses laser aimed at the dark color (melanin) in the hairs. This method is best if a very large area needs to be treated and only if the hair is particularly dark (does not work on blond or red hair).

Medical treatments include:
Estrogen-containing medicines. Several medicines, including birth control pills that contain both estrogen and progesterone, can alter the impact of androgens.
Anti-androgen medicines. The most commonly used medicine is spironolactone (Aldactone).

 

References:
Ask Dr. K. “What causes excess facial hair in women and how is it treated?”
Medline Plus “Excessive or unwanted hair in women”

My Adorable Conversation With a 9 Year Old Princess

kristina-pimenova

 

Note: Not her picture (She’s a Nigerian girl not Oyimbo)

I was on my way down from my office when I saw this very beautiful fair girl seated at the reception of my office complex alone watching TV. I wasn’t in a hurry so I decided to engage her in a little conversation just to ease tension after a hard time at the office. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Hi *walking by* so you don’t want to greet me happy new year shey?
Girl: Happy New Year
Me: How are you doing?
Girl: I am fine
Me: What are you doing in my office? Do you want to patronize us?
Girl: Nooooo. I am here with my Uncle
Me: Your uncle? *thinking her uncle was a colleague/boss at work*. What’s your uncle’s name.
Girl: *She calls a name I can’t remember*
Me: I don’t know your uncle o
Girl: He doesn’t work here, he is a customer
Me: Ooooo. Really? So you want to join your uncle and patronize us?
Girl: No
Me: Why not? You don’t want to be an oil worker?
Girl: No
Me: So what do you want to be when you grow up?
Girl: I want to be in the army
Me: *shocked* You want to be an army woman?
Girl: Yes
Me: *still in shock* You don’t want to become a doctor or lawyer or engineer or a musician or even an actor?
Girl: No
Me: Wow. So why do you want to become an army woman?
Girl: I don’t know
Me: You want to carry gun?
Girl: *smiles and avoids the question*
Me: You know in the line of duty, you would either kill someone or someone will kill you?
Girl: I know
Me: …and you still want to become an army woman?
Girl: Yes
Me: *I was short of words and decided to change the topic* So which class are you in?
Girl: Basic 5 (Primary 5)
Me: Nice. So you will be entering Basic 6 next year
Girl: No. My school doesn’t have Basic 6 so I’ll go straight to JSS1
Me: That’s cool. How old are you by the way?
Girl: I am 9 years old.

*Co-worker passes and acknowledges her and remarks “Kurtis, who is this beautiful girl, is she your daughter?”
Me: I wish. She’s my new friend.
Co-worker: How are you doing fine girl?
Girl: I am fine
Co-worker: What’s your name?
Girl: Jessica
Co-worker: Nice to meet you Jessica.
*Co-worker leaves us continue our gist*

Me: You are a very beautiful young smart girl
Girl: Thanks
Me: *was about taking my leave and asked for her number jokingly expecting to hear “I am too young for a phone” but her answer made me sit down again*
Girl: My phone is at home.
Me: You don’t take it out?
Girl: I do but its having earphone problems that’s why I left it at home but I am on Whatsapp though.
Me: *blood drained to my face* What? You are on Whatsapp?
Girl: Off course. I am on Facebook and Twitter as well.
Me: Okay now you must be joking. What’s your Facebook name and twitter handle?
Girl: Its Jessica (a long Edo name I can’t remember) and my twitter handle is *censored*.
Me: So how often do you update your twitter handle?
Girl: Not often but I let my big sister update them for me.
Me: I will look for you on Facebook.
Girl: Alright.
Me: So hope to see you some other time *I regrettable had to leave to attend to work*
Girl: Sure
Me: Whenever you come to the office next, ask for tall Kurtis and they will show you to my office. I will be expecting you.
Girl: Alright
Me: *shakes her hand* and bids my farewell
Girl: Bye

I don’t know why I am sharing this seemingly private convo I had with this princess but the fact that a 9 year old knows what she wants to become when she grows up, the fact that she wants to become an army woman (an army woman?…Jesus) and fact that she is on FB, Twitter and has a phone must have made me share the convo.
My question to you is are her parents right to allow her social media access at her young age? Nevertheless, she’s really beautiful. Most beautiful girl I have seen in a while and she’s really smart.

Note: The above conversation really happened and is not a figment of my imagination and Jessica really exists (I wasn’t just comfortable taking a picture of her).

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