What Body Odor Taught Me About Relationships

Stink Lady

He had just entered the office when the serene environment was doused with a bewildering smell. “Mehnnnnn, what’s that smell?” I thought to myself.  I wanted to be straightforward and tell him outrightly but I didn’t have the “mind”. Not because I was afraid of him but he looked so cheerful and I didn’t want to be the one to burst the happiness bubble, especially with my other colleagues present. Joy killer? Definitely not me. So if I couldn’t tell him, how do I help remedy the situation? Then I remembered the saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” and decided to play it safe, shut up and mind my business.

I remember when I failed to heed this school of thought and got expelled from a relationship. I have always touted myself as a honest, tell-it-as-it-is kinda guy. My girlfriend back then had just worn a dress I didn’t like one bit to a dinner. Instead of minding my business and respecting her feelings, I erroneously and repeatedly pointed out my reservations. We were on a date but the dress didnt let me think straight. Statements like “I believe you are showing too much flesh” to “I dont like the slit on this dress one bit” littered the atmosphere. I was an asshole and couldnt help myself. I didn’t know it hurt her but her silence on the way back home was all the evidence I needed of my misbehaviour. I tried to make amends but the damage had already been done. One thing led to another and we parted ways.

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I am sure there are times you said something rude to your partner and realized later that you should have kept your mouth shut. The times you told her how fat she was getting or how badly she sucked in bed or how his joblessness is affecting your lifestyle or how his lack of a car is making you uncomfortable as you enter public transport.

The truth is sometimes it’s difficult to simply ignore everything you deem negative but in cases where you can’t keep quiet for too long, it is advisable to use euphemisms. A euphemism is a kinder word or phrase that you substitute for one that is unpleasant or offensive. You know how it’s rude to call someone “fat” but nicer to call them “plump or curvy”. In the same vein, instead of using “thin or skinny”, a nicer substitute is “slim”. The message is passed but in a less explosive manner.
She has a body odor, get her a nice perfume. He has mouth odor, get him a potent mouth wash and use it with him. She has a big tummy, respectfully admire ladies with flat tummy and if she’s smart she’ll get the message. You don’t like her hair style, tell her how beautiful she looks and stop there. When she makes a hair style you like, tell her how beautiful the hair looks every time. She’s smart, she’ll get the message. He’s not performing in bed, teach him how you want it instead of killing his ego by nagging.

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Time and time again, we bring negativity and hurt feelings without realizing that the negative things we say about people are like boomerangs. I have learned to send out positive energy, to love more and channel any negative energy into something healthy. Its not always easy to keep your cool, but if you think about something before you say it and realize what the words will do to the situation, you’ll be able to make more thoughtful decisions.

Remember, if you can’t go about telling everybody about their body odor, be mindful about your spouse and don’t point out their misdoings so potently. Use euphemisms. Be smart.

A comedian once said, if your wife gets dressed, spends hours making up and finally asks you “babe, how do I look?”. It’s a trap. If she looks beautiful, tell her so. If you don’t like her look, just tell her ” babe you are beautiful”, kiss her and disappear.  Remember it’s you are beautiful not you look beautiful. Big difference.

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Reference:
1. If you don’t have anything nice to say… use a euphemism!
2. Why If You Have Nothing Nice To Say, You Really Should Say Nothing

How Porn Affects Your Sex Life

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The rise of the Internet has made porn more ubiquitous than ever, no longer is opposition to pornography strictly the realm of religious believers and hard-core feminists. Studies have shown that it affects all and sundry and there is a growing concern that it is beginning to effect our brains, our relationships, and even our bodies.

I was exposed to porn from an early age. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t necessarily call it what I was exposed to then as porn since porn involves lucid images/videos of people having sex. I had what i’ll term a soft landing because I was exposed to images of white naked girls on the pages of x rated magazines.

As the years went by, I graduated from looking to reading which is even worst. Up stepped mind boggling soft sell magazines like Hints with such descriptively detailed sexual encounters that you would feel lost in the story with your libido jumping through the roof during and even after the story ended.

When looking and reading wasn’t enough, watching became the next big thing. Going out to pee one night in the boarding school, I stumbled upon some of my seniors watching 2 white girls having sex with a black man and my sex life (future sex life since I was only but a virgin then) was altered forever.

Then began my quest to watch more naked girls having sex with super man looking men. As a young boy I was then, with no girl to practice on, masturbation was the next best thing.

I recently came across a research article that came to the conclusion that 4 in 5 male adults have tried masturbation in their lifetime while 3 in 5 female adults have masturbated in their lifetime. Scientists at Cambridge University recently studied the brain scans of porn addicts and found that they looked exactly like those of drug addicts. This study shows exactly how pornography has held people back and got them hooked.

Porn’s first impact is making you loose control. Control of your sexual urges. People have mastubated or had sex in an airplane’s restroom, in a club’s toilet and even in a moving car. Are those traits of someone in charge of their sexual being? It’s no secret that porn has played a humongous role in this trend of events.

Porn is like a leech, it holds on until you indulge yourself in what you have watched. It is almost impossible to watch porn on a regular basis and not be tempted to practicing sex or masturbation.

Porn also has a way of making one unfaithful in a relationship. I have no study to prove this point but I can tell you for free that if a man derives pleasure watching a very busty girl having sex or a woman having sex through the anus but his wife is against having anal sex and isn’t busty. He is prone to looking elsewhere to satisfy his sexual desires.

Another way porn has effected sexual relations between couples is ‘unmet expectations’. The story of a couple I read in one of the dailies comes to mind. The lady was asking for advice for the strange sexual expectations of her husband. She complained of his quest to try strange things in bed including anal sex, oral sex, weird sex styles all which she wasn’t comfortable with. As funny as it sounds, porn has altered the mentality of much people especially men. Stories of men with the quest to try things they have watched in porn on their partners abound.

Porn also causes selfishness in other areas of your relationship including sex life. A porn addicted guy would rush into sex without considering foreplay because he is in a hurry to try out his desires.

Do I blame porn for the growing trend of sexual promiscuity or masturbation among youths and adults alike? Partially but one thing you can’t take from humans no matter how much religion you preach is the sexual hormones embedded in our genes. We can throw some shade on porn but we need to take full responsibility for our actions and remember this; even without porn, people will have sex. It’s natural.

 

Porn makes you have sex not make love. Think about it.

 

      NOTE:sth porn can do

Reference/Further Reading:
1. 10 effects of Porn On Your Marriage
2. Pornography can ruin your sex life
3. Quit watching porn before it ruins your sex life
4. 10 Reasons Why You Should Quit Watching Porn
5. Pornography Can Ruin Your Sex Life

The Jollof Rice Mentality

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No matter how divided Nigeria seems to look in the face of political buhaha, ethnic bigotry and terroristic terrorism, one thing that binds us together even more than football is our Jollof rice.  You can make fun of our girls, insult our leaders or disregard our men but disrespecting our Jollof rice? Get ready for war.

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Jollof rice is to Nigeria as hot dogs is to America and as chicken and chips is to Britain. In fact, there is no Nigerian ceremony or party without Jollof Rice…absolutely none. As an event organizer, try excluding this priced delicacy at your own peril.

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No one can give one reason why Nigerian Jollof rice is always on top of the list Nigerian and most African parties. Maybe it’s the firewood taste or the look or maybe it’s just a tradition. But one thing is for sure, Jollof rice brings Nigerians together even more than religion.

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5 Benefits of Jollof Rice:

1. Makes you happy: One can never eat a well garnished Jollof rice with a sad face. It’s almost impossible.

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2. Family bond: Have you ever seen a disunited family eating Jollof rice? It strengthens family bond.

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3. One love: Jollof Rice is one delicacy that brings short, tall, fat, slim, Igbo, Hausa and even Yoruba together.

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4. Solidarity forever: Who remembers the Jamie Oliver Jollof saga? He is an English celebrity chef who made the Jollof Rice using ‘weird ingredients’ and got a backlash from Africans. The way and manner with which Africans galvanized in defense of their Jollof rice got the attention British media powerhouses like BBC and The Independent. Click on HERE and HERE for more info.

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5. Brings back memories: There are surely times you eat a plate of Jollof rice and remember your days as a child. Sweet memories I hope.

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Remember, don’t let anyone treat you like white rice; like you can’t do without stew (them). You are Jollof rice. You are complete alone. You don’t need anyone to make you happen. You are one happening person. You are the life of the party. You are beautiful just the way you are. The same way Jollof rice doesn’t ask for your approval to be loved and appreciated, you don’t need anyone’s approval to be loved and appreciated. You are special. You are Jollof rice. Act like one.

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NOTE:  15630432790_2104576ba7

Reference: EUREKANAIJA and Google Images.

Her HIV Status: Family, Love & Sex

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Violet is overjoyed when an article she wrote helped get land a job as a weekly columnist in a big magazine in Nairobi. She’s HIV positive, a fact she has hidden from her toaster/boyfriend “Winston” and her family including her parents.

Winston has been asking her out but she has kept him off because she wants to give her heart to someone serious not sex minded guys. Winston not to be deterred has kept coming back assuring her that he wasn’t after her body but her heart.

Due to the fact that the article that got her the job was about her HIV status, she was obliged to tell her parents about her HIV status. She told her mother and proceeded to her father’s school (he is a teacher) to tell him. She told him about her status and confessed to never having a boyfriend but being lonely made her do “crazy things” which included alcohol intake and unprotected sex. She asked for forgiveness from her father who was visibly disappointed in her and told her to keep her status a secret to protect the image of the family and his profession as a teacher.

In another scene, Violet is seen hanging out with her toaster boyfriend “Winston” in his apartment and both seemed to have had to much to drink with both ending up having sex. Remember that Violet hasn’t told Winston that she was HIV positive and both just had sex.

She confided in Skola, the guy that gave her the virus in the first place of her fears. She said “I slept with Winston and didn’t tell him (that she was HIV+). Then Skola asked “but you did use protection…yeah?” and she replied “I think so (she was too drunk to remember). Then Skola told her to tell him about her status. He continued “not telling him that you are HIV+ is sex under false pretense and you can go to prison”. She replied “what difference will it make because the deed is already done” and Skola smartly replied “he could see a doctor for one, he can get on PEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxix). Its a HIV preventive medicine which is taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex with a someone that’s HIV+ and if maintained for 4 weeks there is a chance that it might stop the infection from spreading. “But I don’t want to lose my father” (she didn’t want her father to hate her after he told her not to tell anyone) and Skola replied again “how is he adding to your life if he doesn’t support you”.

Violet went home to see her family who were having lunch at the dinner table. Before now, only mum and dad were aware of her HIV status. Her two siblings had no clue. With the mindset that the cat was gonna be let out of the bag sooner than later, she confessed of her status to her siblings and her father outrightly told her to go and deal with the shame alone, that she was no longer welcome in his house.

She then proceeded on that same day with the courage that Skola gave her to confess to Winston about her HIV status. She asked him “did we use a condom because I was too drunk to remember much” and he replied “yes we did use a condom”. She then threw the bombshell “I am HIV positive”. He was flabbergasted and asked “and you forgot to tell me?” of which she replied “I didn’t think we will go there (have sex)”. He then retorted “but we did”. She advised him to go a clinic and get himself checked, just incase. He stood up in anger and said “I really liked you and those feelings wouldn’t have changed if you had just being honest with me” and he walked out on her.

Morale of the story:
1. Love: Violet confessed to her father that he never showed her the love she craved for and deserved. She felt lost in the World without daddy’s love and support which got her lonely most times and craving for the love of other men. A father’s love for his daughter is a big measure of how well she handles life’s challenges especially sex and love. Father’s should never leave their daughter’s at the mercy of society. Be there for them at all times.

2. Be open: She failed to tell Winston about her status which almost ended up being costly because he might have contacted the dreaded disease from her. Her secrecy also cost her his love. Being HIV+ doesn’t mean you should go around telling everyone but tell the people that deserve to know (spouse/family).

3. Don’t discriminate: So many people living with the virus have ended up living far longer lives than some people living without it. Its not the end of the World so why discriminate. Only if we didn’t discriminate against people living with the virus, then maybe they would feel free enough to divulge their status.

4. PEP: Before watching the movie, I hadn’t heard of PEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxix) and literally had to google it up for more information. I don’t know much about its availability in your area but at least we are now aware that something could be done to assist those that were raped by people with HIV or had consensual sex with people with HIV. For more information on the drug, click HERE (Be informed).

5. Responsibility: Taking responsibility for yourself and others is very key. Who would have thought that a pretty girl like Violet was HIV+. As Nigerians would say “AIDS no dey show for face”. Be careful and if you must “do”, use protection.

6. Know your status: Violet knew she was HIV positive and was taking medication because she knew her status. A friend said to me that after seeing the movie she wanted to know her status, in her own words “I know I am clean but I just want to make sure”. Be sure. Know your status.

 

NB:
Story was taken from Episodes 1 and 2 of the second season of Shuga: Love, Sex & Money.

EXTRA:
1. Click HERE to watch MTV’s Shuga (Season 2, Episode 1)

2. Click HERE to watch MTV’s Shuga (Season 2, Episode 2)

A Teenager’s Rape: Lessons Learnt

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Asha or baby as she’s fondled called by friends and family is a 16 year old girl living in a broken home. She has been separated from her biological father since she was six years old. Her mother remarried and she’s currently staying with her working mum, her step father and Uncle Joe (Step-father’s younger brother).

On one fateful day, Uncle Joe saw her while she was dancing and sweeping the house, he took undue sexual interest in her. She escaped his paws on that day and proceeded to reporting him to her mother. Instead of her mum to investigate, she brushed off her daughter’s concerns with “stop making up stories. I didn’t stand for your father’s lies and neither would I stand for yours. You are staying her out of your step-father’s kindness, so be nice to his brother (Uncle Joe)”.

Out of desperation, she tried reaching out to the father she never knew by visiting the club he frequented. She got his attention but her father unknowingly brought her back to the house she was eager to run away from. Uncle Joe sensing her vulnerability, forced his way on her, raped and robbed the 16 year old girl of her innocence.

She reported the incident to her friend (Violet) who later approached the raped girl’s dad, told him of her daughter’s predicament. The father sensing how he had disappointed his daughter went back to his divorced wife to take his daughter away from her chief tormentor. He said “I was wrong to walk out on my daughter, you don’t give up responsibility for your child”.

The scene ended with Asha’s father taking her away from her blindsided mother who inadvertently let her own daughter get defiled by her husband’s brother and the rapist being advised to report himself to the police station or risk getting arrested at home.

Morale of the story:
1. Responsibility: Never give up responsibility for a child. Some parents end up separated but they don’t know that the children bear the full brunt of that separation. You might be away from your spouse but never be away from your child’s life. Caring from afar is better than not caring at all. You have a responsibility as a parent to be a parent.

2. Investigate: If you see your child acting funny, investigate. If a lively child starts keeping to herself, ask questions. Don’t be the blindsided parent that assumes all is fine when her child is being molested. Never disregard a child’s concerns, remember: Investigate.

3. Be smart: Its only an ignorant parent that would let her teenage daughter stay in the same house with a grownup man and be daft enough to leave her in the same house with him all alone. Be smart.

4. Talk to someone: Incidences of girls being molested/raped abound but a very small percentage actually report the rapist. Not reporting a rape is letting the rapist go scot-free to rape another girl. Don’t die in silence, talk to a grownup.

 
NB:
Story was taken from Episodes 1 and 2 of the second season of Shuga: Love, Sex & Money.

EXTRA:
1. Click HERE to watch MTV’s Shuga (Season 2, Episode 1)

2. Click HERE to watch MTV’s Shuga (Season 2, Episode 2)

 

FURTHER READING: Rape and How To Avoid It

7 Life Lessons From EMPIRE (The Series)

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I don’t know about you but the buzz surrounding Empire made me watch it and I was hooked from the word GO. I had to literally stop myself from watching the full season one at one sitting. Now after so much anticipation and the long wait, season 2 is only a few days from premiering (September 23rd to be precise). While we wait, I thought to share a few of the life nuggets, financial and PR lessons I picked from the series. I had so much to write but settled for my top 7. Enjoy

1. Respect your parents: There is nothing more African in the series than when Hakeem was flogged with a broom by his mum “Cookie” for disrespecting her. I’m sure my African brothers and sisters would have been watching that scene like “that’s my mum right there…lol”. Although Hakeem had a right to be angry with his mother who went to jail almost immediately after giving birth to him and not been in his life. He had no right to disrespect her. Even Lucious agrees and said to Hakeem “I am not gonna make you love your mother, but you are gonna respect her”. There is nothing truer than that statement. No matter what our parents do, the fact remains that they are our parents and deserve our respect and honor. The Bible in Ephesians 5:1-3 reminded us saying “Children obey your parents…..Honor thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with a promise) that it may be well with thee and thou mayest live long on the earth”.

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2. Be dead sure: To buttress this point, two scenes come to mind; Cookie stepping out to find a rose on her doorstep, fear gripping her and the thought that the cop killer “Frank Gathers” whom she just snitched on in court was after her life. This led her to paying to have him killed only to find out the rose was just a commemorative gift from Lucious for their anniversary. Only if she waited to be sure. Secondly, Lucious Lyon was apparently misdiagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) and given less than 3 years to live when he actually had Myasthenia Gravis (MG) which isn’t as serious. This impending false scare of death led him to speed up taking the company public, finding a successor and pushing Yakeem to drop an album. All these led to cracks in the relationship between him, his sons, his ex wife and his fiancée. Only if he had sort a second opinion. Don’t be in a hurry to make decisions, get a second/third/fourth opinion if not sure and make sure you get your facts straight before jumping into the pool with both feet.

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3. Names are important: There is nothing more resounding in the series than the name of the family “The Lyons”. Such name commands respect. But what shocked me was when Lucious confided in Jamaal that his real name wasn’t actually Lucious Lyon but Dwight Walker but got it changed after he was orphaned. Do you think, the name “The Walkers” or “The Walker Dynasty” would have commanded as much respect as the name “The Lyons” or “The Lyon Dynasty” would have? Doesn’t have a nice ring to it, does it?
Exactly my point, choose your business name and choose it well and please endeavor to name your children right as well. Names are too important to be trivialized.

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4. Try to accept people for who they are: Remember the scene where Cookie had just left jail and went to see her son “Jamaal”. She stepped into his house, hugged him and saw how dirty his crib was and said “for a queen, you sure do keep a messy place. On her way to inspect the chicken he had on fire, she saw his boyfriend “Michael” and said “honey, you didn’t tell me you was dating a little Mexican, she’s adorable”. She called her son a “queen” and she called his boyfriend a “she”.  Jamaal is gay off course. Also, the scene where Cookie was in a cab and she was informed about Tiana’s lesbian picture with her girlfriend, instead of criticizing her or as Africans would do “bind out the demons”, she simply remarked “I don’t judge but you’s a freak and that’s a good thing”. She accepted her son for who he was and loved him anyway. Something Lucious found very difficult doing from the onset. She also accepted Tiana for who she was and worked with her anyway. Why criticize or judge people. You either love them or leave them. Simple.

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5. Surround yourself with people that believe in you and your dreams: The only thing that stood between Jamaal and stardom was his messed up priorities. When quizzed by Cookie, he said “I just want to play, touring and albums mess up the authencity of the sound”. Then Cookie at her best said “Maal, you gotta share what God gave you with the World”. In subsequent episodes, she reminded him of his talent and kept telling Lucious that his gay son was the most talented of the duo (Hakeem and Jamaal) and he was gonna become the heir apparent of the Lyon dynasty.  On the other hand, Jamaal’s boyfriend “Michael” was afraid of the direction/attention Jamaal’s talent was giving him and wanted him all to himself instead of encouraging him to spread his wings and fly. They eventually broke up. You might have the gift but surrounding yourself with those that believe in that gift is almost as important. If you are a Jamaal, surround yourself with a Cookie. Be inspired.

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6. Appearance is everything: If you want to be the boss, you better look like one. I’m sure that’s what Cookie and Lucious had in mind when stepping out every day. Whether on his coily hair with bad ass jackets and insane muffler scarfs to match or her animal print dresses or obnoxious fur coats with bad ass makeup, both main characters were never caught looking nothing like royalty. Its true that people are more inclined to take you more seriously if you dress authoritatively. Always dress to impress.

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7. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer: From the moment Lucious learnt that Cookie was out of jail, he immediately instructed Bunkie to keep an eye on her saying “I want to know everything she’s (Cookie) doing, and I mean everything”. Did you ever think Lucious wasn’t in the know of what ever Billy Baretti (owner of Creedmoor Entertainment) had planned? You need to stay ahead of the game but the surest way to do that is know the game’s next move before they make it. Remember the saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

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……and remember “The streets ain’t made for everybody, that’s why they made sidewalks.” Know your lane and walk in it. Don’t be who you are not, stay true to yourself because it takes too much effort to be someone you are not.

Empire (TV SHOW) (l-r) Tiraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard, grace the cover of Entertainment Weekly March edition. Bryshere Y. Gray, Jussie Smollett, Trai Byers Photographed February 12, 2015 at the Up and Down Club in New York, NY. Photograph by Marc Hom

 

So to my Empire fans eagerly anticipating Season 2 which kicks off in a few weeks time, FOX TV released a trailer of the new season and its hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwt.
Spoiler alert: Luscious Lyon is in jail and gets a visit from Cookie, Cookie is in a cage, Andre plots to become CEO by removing Luscious, Luscious is singing in jail, Chris Rock is Luscious Lyon’s cell-mate and many more. I can hardly wait. Click HERE to watch the Season 2 Trailer.

BONUS: Are you aware that Wesley Snipes was supposed to play Luscious Lyon instead of Terrance Howard and Monique was to play Cookie instead of fan’s favorite Taraji P. Henson? Find out 9 other things you didn’t know about Empire in this 3 minute video titled “10 Things You didn’t Know About EMPIRE”. Click HERE to watch.

EXTRA: For those wondering what all the fuzz is about or for those that wana watch the season 1 again, click HERE to download the FULL season one on your phone and watch on the go.

#Enjoy

 

 

Identifying Pay-As-You-Go Relationships

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Angela has been dating Uche for a little over a year now. The relationship started while Uche was in Cotonou on business and Angela was schooling in one of the Eastern states. After a while apart, they both currently reside in one state after Uche returned from his business trip and Angela finished school. Both engaged themselves with work during the weekdays so weekend was virtually the only available time for them to see and bond.
The issue according to Angela was the fact that they never hung out, saw a movie, partying, or even sight seeing or any of the fun stuff she wanted to do. Their weekends were more or less routine where she was invited over to his place, she makes meals for him, takes care of the house and his laundry and they had sex. In her own words “I sometimes spend the weekend at my boyfriend’s place but I suddenly began to realize that he grumbles whenever I visit him during my period. I also observed that he seems to give me pocket money based on the rounds of sex he has with me. Let’s assume we had sex 5 times, he would give me N5,000 for transport and when we have it only 3 times he would give me N3,000. I think my boyfriend is paying N1,000 for every round of sex he had with me”.

Jerry is a graduate seeking employment after undergoing his mandatory one year service with an Insurance company. He has been dating Sade while serving and was earning a living. But as soon as he finished service and was no longer in paid employment, funds dried up and so did his love life. In his own words “I began noticing a few months after service that my girlfriend was no longer interested in spending time with me. We had a tradition of going to the cinema once a month and hanging out but as soon as I stopped working, it seems her love for me dried up. I was fond of recharging her lines weekly, paying for her BIS, giving her some money when she comes visiting but ever since I couldn’t fulfill those obligations, she started distancing herself from me. Now I’m not sure if she actually loved me in the first place or was looking for someone to take care of her financially”.

Most lovers have found themselves in contract based relationships. The type of relationship that says “give me something and I will give you love in return”. For the ladies, its financial care in exchange for “love” while for the guys, its sexual care in exchange for “love”.

9 Signs that point to a pay-as-you-go relationship:
1. If he avoids you when you are on your period.
2. If he likes to “hang out” at home.
3. If he’s too sex conscious.
4. If she’s always asking for material things.
5. If she avoids you when you are broke.
6. If she calls you mostly at the end of the month (when you receive your salary).
7. If she’s always asking for money for her upkeep including change of hair and new phones.
8. If the pocket money he gives you is determinant on your sexual performance.
9. When she regularly compares you to other men like “is it not your mates that are buying iPhone 6 for their girlfriends?”

Contracts relationships never develop into marriage because conditions are never enough to sustain a happy marriage and for those that do, they end up in frustration. If you are in a contract relationship, you have two options: Leave or make sure you are made a full time employee not a contract staff because when push comes to shove, you will be sacked.