I Dare You Not To Cry For 2015

maxresdefault

The year 2015 is almost over but I would be an ungrateful fool not to give Glory to who Glory is due. It has been an amazing year, if not for anything but for the fact that I am alive to type this message to you. It has been a year of untimely deaths, a year of ISIS strikes, a year of Boko Haram killings, a year of political assassinations, a year of ghastly accidents on the road, on air and even on sea. The year a dear friend passed on after a long battle with Sickle Cell Anaemia aged just 24, the same year many BBM contacts put up pictures of beloved friends and family members who passed on. This is the same year a Gubernatorial candidate of a state in Nigeria died just as he was about to be declared winner of the election he contested. In all, you and I are still alive not because we are the holiest lot, or because we are better than those that died, but just because God’s grace and mercy has stood by us through thick and thin.

We might not be where we desired at the state of the year but my brothers and sisters only those that have breathe can make plans for the future. I want you to sit back and count your blessings one by one. For those that graduated this year, count your blessings (for if you read the news, you would have seen stories of undergraduates who cultists, sickness or police brutality killed). For those who entered service or finished service, count your blessings (for many corpers gave up the ghost during their service year). For those that got married, count your blessings (a young woman due to get married the following week died in the Paris attacks). For those that are seeking employment, count your blessings (I am sure you are aware that dead people don’t look for jobs).

In ALL things my people, give thanks. For the Christians amongst us, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says “In all things give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” For the Muslims, Quran 39:66 (Khan translation) says “worship Allah (Alone and none else), and be among the grateful”. Both scriptures didn’t specify the conditions to which we should be grateful. It didn’t say we should be grateful only when things are going well for us, or only when we have good jobs, or only when we achieve our heart desires. The Bible scripture specifically said, “in ALL things, give thanks”. All means no exceptions my brother and sister.

I don’t know about you but I have looked back at this year and its another proof that God exists (for those doubting) and no song encapsulates my gratitude to God that Sinach’s song “Great Art You Lord”. Below are the lyrics of the song:

 

Holy Holy, God almighty
It’s a privilege to worship You
Maker of all universe
It’s an honour just to stand before You

With a grateful heart I lift my hands to You
Proclaiming Lord You reign
With a grateful heart I lift my hands to You
Proclaiming Lord You reign

Great are You lord
Greatly to be praised
Greatly to be praised
Father You reign

Great are You Lord
Great are You Lord
Great are You Lord
Great are You Lord

I dare you to enter a secret place, don’t even kneel down, just sit on your bed or on a chair, put your earphones in your ears, close your eyes and listen to this song while counting the blessings of 2015 and see if tears won’t flow down your eyes. I tried it and I can’t keep a dry face and I dare you to try it and mean it. Click HERE to download the song and click HERE to download the video. God is GOOD people, see you in 2016.

50 Differences Between Living in The UK and Nigeria (3)

uk-visa-worldtraveland-ibiyinkafamugbode

I was already a grownup and had only entered a plane once (on a trip from Lagos to Abuja) when I got admission to further my education in Jand (The UK). Living over there with those Oyimbo people in their ice cold country for almost 2 years is a book on its own but for the purpose of this series, I am going to capture a few of the differences I noticed between life in Nigeria and in England humorously. All the stories told in these episodes actually happened to me and I am sure by the end, even if you haven’t traveled to the UK before, you might as well famze like you have because you will already know the happenings over there. It’s quite long but I have tried dividing them into 3 very interesting, informative and hilarious series. Enjoy

To READ, first series…..CLICK
To READ, second series…..CLICK

3rd and Final Series:

31. The Primark Phenomenon: The Lagos Island, the Aswani, the bend-down-select of the UK is a gigantic shop called Primark. In Primark, you can buy anything and everything for cheap and its a major hunting ground for Nigerians looking to buy cheap and good stuff to sell back home.

730799-1

32. Buy stuff N return to get a refund: People in Jand (sad to say mostly Africans) abuse this privilege. In Jand, most shops offer a return and refund policy. So if you take a dress home and it doesn’t fit, you could return it within a specified time. What many people would do is take the dress, leave the tag, wear it for a show, wrap it back up and claim it doesn’t fit them and they get a refund. In Nigeria, as long as the dress has left the shop, the most you can get is “please choose another dress”, no refunds please.

33. Cheap stuff: Getting to the UK I stumbled upon my favorite spot in the World; Poundland. This is a shop where every single item is sold for £1 (N300). Every single item from soaps, drinks, biscuits, books, perfumes, a few clothes, undies, toiletries, chocolates (if your Uncle traveled to UK and bought a suitcase full of chocolates, this is where he bought them..lol). What a beauty, always my one stop shop. Other places for cheap stuff include 99p stores and my favorite shopping place (Saintsbury’s with their cheap branded items). In Nigeria, the only cheap stuff you see are fairly used items. Taaaaaaah.

img

34. Bus/Train pass: In Jand, one could pay for day/week/month pass to be used on a bus. So you pay let’s say £100 (N30,000) and you can enter buses for infinity times in that month. As for trains, one can buy a consecutive/flexi rail pass for a duration of time where you can enter train for a million times for that period or a student train pass where for a period of time you get a reduced rate (if the ticket is £5, you pay £2). In Nigeria, the only people that get free pass on buses are military officials (police, army etc).

London-underground-travelcard-2006

35. Orderliness: People in the UK hardly go to church but they are law abiding, sweet, nice people. On the other hand, we carry religion on our head in Nigeria and disorderliness is a way of life.

36. Power banks and generators: A Nigeria that doesn’t own a power bank or generator is probably a politician’s child. With our epileptic power supply, its only reasonable to own a power bank/generator set. In Jand, a power bank seller or a generator importer will die broke. With 24 hours light, who would buy?

37.Education: In Nigeria, I was thought how to read, memorize/cram and pour it out verbatim for the lecturer on the exam day. “Do this and you pass my exams”, the lecturers would say. This approach has only led to “brilliant” students and “dull” workers. The UK have taken a different approach entirely, here I was taught how to study on my own, research, learn, complete course works, get involved in teams to build teamwork. No wonder certificates from foreign Universities carry more weight. And for anyone that schooled in the UK, the fear of Turnitin is the beginning of wisdom.

38. Baby slings: In Africa, babies are mostly carried on the back by their mother’s with the help of wrappers but in Jand, babies are carried in front with the aid of a baby sling/carrier and any gender can carry the baby not just the woman as in Africa.

balloon new tula

39. Pay and get delivery: In Nigeria, nobody trusts anybody and its very rare to see people paying for products before delivery. Take for example, online shopping malls like Konga and Jumia offer “pay upon delivery” services because Nigerians don’t trust no one. In Jand, nothing like “pay upon delivery” its strictly “pay and get delivery”. Honest people.

40. Letters: In Jand, everything is done via letters. Your gas and power bills, internet bills, exam results (some external exams), bank account information are sent via letters. These are delivered through mails via the “letter box” which is an opening on the front door of houses for mail delivery.

letterbox_1890693b

41. Everyone pays: I remember the day two friends (a Polish girl and a Russian girl) invited me out for drinks and some dancing. I had already made up my mind that I was gonna spend so took enough money. We got there, they ordered for their drinks and payed. I was like “OMG, is this real or am I dreaming?”. They actually paid for their drinks and I ordered mine and payed. They live an independent life over there. In Nigeria, don’t even try that with Nigerian girls, they will act all nice, pay themselves and curse you out in private. “Common drink he could not even buy, selfish man”.

42. No party: Nigerians are known all around the World for their love for parties especially the Yoruba people. Child naming ceremony, a party is thrown. Engagement = party. Birthday celebrations = party. Ramandan = party. House warming = party. White wedding nkoh = party. Virtually everything that Nigerians do involves one party or another. The truth is that Oyimbo’s can’t party like we do. Throughout my stay in Jand, the only parties I attended where those held by Nigerians because my white friends either invited you a party where you have to spend your own money to feed yourself (what sort of party is that?) or they just take you out, play their crappy white songs, jump in the air and go back home (no jollof rice, no drinks, no cake, no grooving). Rubbish.

43. Whack night life: I am not the clubbing type and can count how many times I clubbed while in Jand with one hand but the few times I went to white clubs, I was very disappointed. One: they play those rock, semi rock or what do they call them, raise their hands and jump in the air (that’s how they dance). Even guys and girls dance so far apart that you would think they were having a dance off. I got fed up and moved to a Naija club and it was Davido’s Skelewu (the happening song back then) that greeted my ears. “Ehen, this is home”. The place was bubbling, girls backing guys and rocking them (that’s how we dance…lol). Now that’s a night life.

44. Card comes out before cash: ATM’s in Jand are very reasonable, you know why? They give you your ATM card before they give you the cash. Opposite is the case in Nigeria, cash comes out before card and some people have out of excitement forgotten to collect their ATM cards afterwards.

article-2515917-035AC58F000005DC-278_634x395

45. Lowest is £10 ATM: In Nigeria, some ATMs dispense N500 while most dispense N1,000. So even if you are broke, you can still get N500 to manage. In Jand..lol, lowest an ATM ever dispensed to me was £10 that’s like N3,500 (heard some dispense £5 but I never ever saw such ATMs). So if you are broke in Jand, even the ATM machine will deny you. Damnnnn.

46. No mama put: In Nigeria, with N200 one could walk into a mama put (small restaurant), eat and walk out filled. In Jand, N200 (66 pence) is barely enough to buy you a bottle of water. Cooked food is damn expensive over there and it’s no wonder every wise Nigerian in Jand knows how to cook. Money smart.

47. Tea and biscuits: In Nigeria, the meal that brings everyone together is Rice and mainly Jollof Rice. Anything Jollof Rice can bring Hausa, Yoruba and Igbos together in one accord. In the UK, that binding force can be achieved with tea/coffee and biscuits. You can never go wrong with this one.

Tea and biscuits

48. Pay for gas and power: In Nigeria, cooking gas used for cooking is usually refilled individually and then electricity bills are also paid individually. In Jand,both gas and electricity are supplied by one company which could be British Gas, nPower, E.on and many others. And be rest assured that if you don’t pay they won’t come and cut your light like those heartless NEPA people.

49. No Political Buhaha: In Nigeria, politicians place themselves on a very high pedestal that you would see a common Local Government chairman having a convoy with security. In the UK, the politicians behave like every other citizen. No puffed up shoulders. No ego. No security. No sirens. Below is a picture of the Prime Minister of the UK, David Cameron reading a paper while taking a train with common people. He is even standing. Haba, Nigerian politicians change your ways.

article-0-02CF8E44000005DC-324_468x358

50. Diversity: Nigeria is a highly polarized along ethnic, religious, educational, political party, wealth lines. Even complexion lines (a dark skinned person doesn’t get the admiration that her fair skinned counterpart gets). The UK is one of the most diversified places you could ever be, there are Chinese, Spanish, Nigerian, White, American people everywhere and people respect themselves equally (apart from the few racists here and there).

 

 

50 Differences Between Living in The UK and Nigeria (2)

Student visas being abused

I was already a grownup and had only entered a plane once (on a trip from Lagos to Abuja) when I got admission to further my education in Jand (The UK). Living over there with those Oyimbo people in their ice cold country for almost 2 years is a book on its own but for the purpose of this series, I am going to capture a few of the differences I noticed between life in Nigeria and in England humorously. All the stories told in these episodes actually happened to me and I am sure by the end,even if you haven’t traveled to the UK before, you might as well famze like you have because you will already know the happenings over there. It’s quite long but I have tried dividing them into 3 very interesting, informative and hilarious series. Enjoy

To READ, first series…..CLICK

2nd Series:

16. Call cab: Every Jandian (my word for someone living in Jand) has one life saving number; the cab company’s digits. No matter where you are or the time, call a cab and they will arrive at your doorstep in less than 10 minutes (no extra charge). In Nigeria, woe betide you if you go looking for a cab in the middle of the night. I heard some companies like Easy Taxi exist in Lagos, Nigeria but they have a long way to go to match cab services in Jand. As additional information, cabs in Jand use meters which start from a fixed price depending on the City. For London its £3, Coventry £2.80, Birmingham £3.25. This means as long as you enter a cab even if its to the next house, you will pay the start fare. At least in Nigeria you can price the cab before entering and have a peaceful sleep during the journey. In Jand, your eyes are always on the meter and praying that it doesn’t finish all your money.

TaxiSide

17. Cold will injure you: My father is someone I call the “AC man”. In his room, AC is on. In his car, AC is on. In his office, AC is on. If he could walk with an AC, I am sure he would. But then he came to visit me in the UK and the same man that I had never seen bath with hot water or sleep without AC was literally begging for the hotel to turn up the heater or heat up the bath water. Going out, my dad made Osuofia in London’s dressing look fashionable. “Cold wan kill me”, he would always say. Have you ever wondered why flight tickets are cheapest during winter? In Nigeria, one could afford to sleep nude but try that in the UK and you would literally wake up in Heaven.

hqdefault

18. Houses: In Nigeria, most houses had fences as high as the house itself all in the name of security. Most houses in Jand don’t have fences and for the very few that do, they are just perimeter fences which help demarcate houses and are usually made of wood and very short.

early-19th-century-town-houses-in-priory-row-and-the-timber-framed-e8dfwt

19. Heater everywhere: It was when I got to the UK that I realized the importance of power (light). In Nigeria we complain of not having light but the truth be told, light in Nigeria is mostly for comfort (charge appliances, watch TV, enjoy AC, pump water, drink cold water etc). On the other hand, light in the UK is more for survival than comfort. I can’t imagine a day without light in the UK, people will literally die. The cold is sometimes unbearable and heaters are needed to keep temperatures at bearable levels. In the toilet, in cars…everywhere.

_46474977_radiator_jupiter

20. Fresh looks: Its no secret that most Nigerians crave for electricity so as store food for longer periods of time. So if fridges helps preserve food, cold weather should also help preserve the human skin. It’s in this light that living in Jand exposes you to a fresh skin but living in Nigeria exposes you to the harsh sunny weather which takes a toll on one’s skin.

21. Occasional bathing: Living in Jand means that a month might go by before you sweat. When you don’t perspire, you don’t smell, when you don’t smell coupled with the cold weather, the temptation not to bath is high. Many people in Jand go two or even three days without showering. In Nigeria, having your bath twice a day minimum is the way of life.

22. Girls look older: In Jand, anytime I met a girl I would make sure I asked her for her age so as not to assume and go to jail. In Jand, having anything sexual to do with a girl under 18 could land you in jail and knowing that their girls ALWAYS look older than they actually are. A 13 year old girl could be mistaken for a 20 year old over there. In Nigeria, girls look their age apart from makeup or fixed hair which adds a few years to their looks.

Willow-Smith-Short-Hair-2014-StraightFromTheA

23. ID card to buy alcohol: A teenager or even a 23 year old (in some supermarkets) can’t buy alcohol or cigarettes in the UK without being asked for an ID to identify his/her true age. Only the ones that look older than their age get away with this rule. In Nigeria? A 10 year old can buy a bottle of MOET as long as he has the money.

c25_2_lo_res

24. EPL snub: Nigerians are one of the most passionate followers of the English Premier League. Following the process of your favorite teams means subscribing to DSTV’s outrageously pricey Premium Bouquet with N13,980 per month in order to get the full array of Sports Channels. Getting to Jand, I assumed since I was where it is happening, all I had to do was on my TV and the channels will be free to air. Boy was I wrong. Even in the UK, you have to pay a £49.45 (N14,900) to have the full bouquet of Sky Sports Channels that show the live EPL matches. Imagine. So what did Nigerians like me do, we payed for unlimited internet at £15 (N4500) per person and watched all the matches on our tab/laptop with their super fast internet. Talk about sense.

2CBF84FB00000578-0-image-a-45_1443175286298

25. Hair care: The most annoying thing about Jand is how expensive barbing actually is. In Nigeria, with N100 (33 pence), you can shave and with N200 (66 pence) you barb your hair. In the UK, if shaving is £3 (N900), how much is then to barb. To cut the long story short, I went on dreads throughout my stay there. For the ladies, according to my girlfriend then, to plait Ghana weaving or braids was between £25 (N7500) and £30 (N9000). Comon braids. Imagine. Girls would carry hair for three months in Jand and with the cold weather, it won’t smell.

Price-List-2015-2_aedkmo

26. Cameras at every traffic light: Not only are traffic lights obeyed in UK, there are cameras attached to every traffic light just in case a Nigerian someone decides to flaunt the rule. In Nigeria? Traffic lights are obeyed only when Lastma or Police are attached to it.

IMG_20151214_125412

27. Space for disabled and elderly: There is nothing as wonderful as the love and respect the people of UK have for the aged and disabled. Not only would people readily give up their seats in buses for the aged/disabled, but their public transport has spaces reserved for them also. Even the common walk way has provisions that aid their mobility. The disabled have their own parking spaces. That’s love. In Nigeria, *lips sealed*

par3

28. Heavy wallet: I went shopping in Shoprite the other day and was given N3 in coins (50k in 6 places). This was the first time I was seeing Nigerian coins in a long time. In the UK, without coins, you are finished. You can’t enter buses without coins, you can’t buy snacks from those vending machines without coins and many other things. In Jand, the more broke you are, the heavier your wallet..lol.

British Coins fans

29. More day, less night: The truth is that the UK has one of the strangest weather conditions in the world. To put this into context, there are times in the UK that 4 pm (evening) is dark (like its 9 pm in Nigeria) while another time, 9 pm (night) is not yet dark (like its 4 pm in Nigeria). Which means some seasons have more daylight hours and less night while others are more night time hours and less day. This phenomenon according to Google has to do with the winter/summer solstice. According to the Telegraph,the UK has a maximum of 16 hours and 50 minutes of sunlight – on the longest day in June (the summer solstice) – which dwindles down to just seven hours and 40 minutes six months later in December (the winter solstice). For more info please check this BBC article and The Telegraph article on the subject.

30. Daylight saving time: I remember getting to church a few minutes to 10 am (service was for 10 am) only to find out that the British Summer Time had kicked in and an hour had been chopped off from the clock. So whereas my watch was saying 10 am, it was actually 9 am. In the UK the clocks go forward 1 hour at 1am on the last Sunday in March, and back 1 hour at 2am on the last Sunday in October. The period when the clocks are 1 hour ahead is called British Summer Time (BST). There’s more daylight in the evenings and less in the mornings (sometimes called Daylight Saving Time). When the clocks go back, the UK is on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

 

To READ, third series…..CLICK

 

50 Differences Between Living in The UK and Nigeria

immi_3362641b

I was already a grownup and had only entered a plane once (on a trip from Lagos to Abuja) when I got admission to further my education in Jand (The UK). Living over there with those Oyimbo people in their ice cold country for almost 2 years is a book on its own but for the purpose of this series, I am going to capture a few of the differences I noticed between life in Nigeria and in England humorously. All the stories told in these episodes actually happened to me and I am sure by the end, even if you haven’t traveled to the UK before, you might as well famze like you have because you will already know the happenings over there. It’s quite long but I have tried dividing them into 3 very interesting, informative and hilarious series. Enjoy
1. Everyone is your mate: While preparing for my trip, I had heard tales of the cold raging over there so I had acquired the necessary winter coats/jackets from Yaba market in Lagos. I got into Jand and while processing my documents I tried greeting the people I saw with “Good Evening Sir/Ma” as my parents taught me but they acted like I didn’t say anything. I wondered if I sounded too Nigerian for them to hear me audibly so I added small UK panache to the way I said it but still no reply. Then right in my front, someone greeted the lady “Hi” and she answered. Oooooooo, that’s how they greet here. Next time, I greeted her “hi”, and she nodded. Then as I was basking in the euphoria of my greeting conquest, one young boy (maybe 10 years) tapped me on the back and said “sup mate, could you help me get that flyer”. What? This small boy calling me his mate. My life. I gave him the flyer but kept wondering why this small boy would call me his mate. It took a while to digest but it soon dawned on me that that’s how they greet “sup mate”. So everyone is your mate in Jand, no single respect for elders. How pathetic.

image20151215-2000-1btzy72

2. Driving: My first days crossing roads in the UK were hell for me because living all my life in Nigeria, I was used to the right hand traffic but UK utilize the left hand traffic so it took some serious getting used to. Also, although I never drove while in the UK, to get a driver’s license over there is something else. As a matter of fact, its easier to see their Prime Minister than to get a driver’s license. Getting a driver’s license involves one undertaking a compulsory theory test (50 questions with 57 minutes to answer them and you must answer at least 43 correctly to pass) and hazard perception test (14 video clips which feature everyday road situations and you must identify one/two developing hazards and you must get at least 44 points out of a possible 75 to pass). Then, a supervised driving test (you drive through obstacles, reverse, park etc and pass). All these before you are given a license. People fail like its JAMB but it helps reduce high rate of accidents. In Nigeria, as long as you have the money, you can get your driver’s license anytime. Most Nigerian drivers especially women can’t even reverse and park well unaided. Everyone wants to drive. We are in trouble….lol.

Driving_on_the_left_or_the_right

3. Driver owa: I entered Jand as a JJC (Johnny Just Come) so I had to observe to get used to their way of life and movement. In Nigeria, I was used to shouting “driver owa” (loosely means driver here) when I intended coming down from a public transport but I knew I’ll embarrass my family if I tried that in Jand. So I entered a bus and just decided to observe. As the bus was moving, a red light will show over the driver’s head, he will stop and people will come down. This happened like three more times and I was wondering if the bus was reading the passengers minds. How did it know when to show the red light to tell the driver to stop? Will it read my own mind too? Then in my confused state, an old woman saved my blushes, she calmly said “please I want to come down could you press the button”. “Which button?”, I thought you myself while looking around. Then voila, I saw a red button (request stop button) pressed when someone wants to alight. That’s how my family name was saved from shame.

img_1368

4. Google map: In the UK, addresses are located by two mediums; postcode and the house address. So as long as you have data on your phone and Google map, punch in the postcode of the house and it sends you walking and driving directions to the place. I saved hundreds of Pounds by walking to friend’s houses aided by Google map instead of cabbing. In Nigeria? Google map works skeletally until your phone battery dies or your data finishes or your phone shows “no network”.

thumbnail

5. Minimum wage: While studying in the UK, we were entitled to maximum 20 hours of work per week. So the onus was on us to find work, not work more than 20 hours/week and get paid. The beauty of it all was the minimum wage in the UK which was £6.31 (N1900) per hour. Yes per hour. So that’s N38,000/week and N152,000/month. Clean cash and we are talking about minimum wage (least you can get payed). As a matter of fact, the minimum wage is now £6.70 in 2015 from £6.31 in 2013 when I worked there (it gets increased every single year). In Nigeria, state governments are still struggling with paying the comon N18,000/month (to hardworking Nigerians who work a minimum 8 hours a day for 5 days a week sometimes including Saturday). Oil rich country. Atrocious.

mim wage

6. Bus times: In the UK, buses have their routes and these routes have time of arrival. Therefore, you want to go to lets say….ehmmmm, Station Road in Coventry, you make sure you get to the bus stop where bus 87 takes at the given times (6:15am, 7:05am, 7:30am, 8:30am) and be rest assured that the bus will be there at that exact time. The driver sees no one at the bus stop and he continues on his journey to the next bus stop. He sees you, he stops, you pay for your fare and bam, he continues. Orderliness. But wait at the wrong bus stop and even if you are the Queen of England, the bus won’t stop for you. In Nigeria, you are either jumping on one bus or running after another. Life.

87-coventry-solihull

7. Few cars on the road: A vehicle excise duty (VED) also known as car tax is paid for most vehicles which are used (or parked) in public roads in the UK. With this development and the good transport system over there its no surprise that most people own just a car and mostly travel by public transport. In Nigeria, on the other hand, tax on cars are non existence, road network bad and public transport shambolic and some men even own as much as 6 cars and use most one or twice a year.  Also fuel is expensive in the UK with petrol selling for as much as £1.07/liter (N323) little wonder many people enter public transport leaving the road free and ensuring free flow of vehicles. Nothing like holdup.

London_Congestion_Charge,_Old_Street,_England
8. Girls spend: In Nigeria, rapture would happen before a girl takes a guy out and pays or even buys a guy birthday presents more than boxers and singlet. In the UK, girls take guys out and actually PAY. OMG. What a beautiful country.

article-2692748-063F45670000044D-898_634x516

9. Buy on credit and pay monthly: The trust and love they have for themselves in Jand is beyond me. In Jand, you can buy almost anything (phones, cars, TV etc) on loan and pay jeje (small small) mostly on a monthly basis and that’s without collateral. In Nigeria, to get a common phone on loan, you have to give your wife as collateral. Just kidding but the truth is Nigerians don’t trust Nigerians. Simple.

Giffgaff_phones

10. Zebra crossing: In Jand, stand on a zebra crossing and cars would stop for your cross. In Nigeria, a driver stops at a zebra crossing only if you are a zebra. If not, you better wait, look left and right and then run across.

Nigerians-cross

11. Charity for animals: So I got to Jand to see that even animals like dogs and cats have charity organizations set up in their name. You are inundated with news of agencies asking for like £2/month to take care of dogs. In Nigeria, humans never chop finish na dogs wan chop. If I hear.

dogtrust2013-05-20-at-11-42-21

12. Tap water is drinkable: You get back home after a long day’s work, you get to your kitchen, get an empty glass, open your tap and drink clean chilled water straight from the tap. The water is very clean and drinkable and coupled with the cold weather the water comes out chilled. In Nigeria, drink tap water and find yourself in the hospital. Pure water and table water have become the order of the day.

Cat_drinking_water_(ubt)

13. Unlimited Data: My love for Wi-Fi knows no bounds and with a host of internet providers offering unlimited data on their plans like Virgin’s £15/month data plan, I had internet to do course works and watch movies like forever..lol. In Nigeria? Forgerrit. You will see free wife in Nigeria before you see unlimited data.

Virgin-unlimited-sim1

14. Free calls within networks: In Jand, apart from the heavyweight networks like Vodafone, O2, T-Mobile or EE, we had smaller networks like Lebara, Giffgaff and Lyca Mobile which offered FREE unlimited calls to numbers on the same network. In Nigeria? Tahhhhh. Closest to free calls you will see is FriendsNFamily crap on most networks.

ly2ly

15. Sue for dog bite: I remember the story of a man who sued a dog owner because his dog bit him and he won damages. In Nigeria, a dog bites you then you are either a thief who went to steal in someone’s house or just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Forget suing, get medical attention.

dangerous_dog_pit_bull_breed_ban

To READ, second series…..CLICK
To READ, third series…..CLICK

Why We Pass Out Gas (Fart/Mess)

a98612_rsz_farts

Growing up as a young boy, one thing we were taught (experience they say is the best teacher) was never to eat beans or boiled egg or a mixture of both during class hours. This was to avoid the ejection of flatus (medical word for gas generated in the intestinal tract). Flatulence or farting or as we called it back then “mess” is the passing of gas from the digestive system out of the anus.
It’s no secret that we all messed as young kids in class and as the professional messer, I knew how to make sure it didn’t make a sound by putting my butt cheeks together and releasing it intermittently (small small). After which I would act like nothing happened and wait for an innocent fellow to raise the first alarm by saying “who mess?” then the true messer (me) would accuse him of messing the mess. Those days were fun.
As a matter of fact, boys were always the ones who messed in class but when girls did, everybody had to leave the class. Girls mess smell far worst than boys mess maybe cause they are just beautiful beings..lol

On a serious note though, I have always belittled the importance of flatus (the gas we pass out) until recently I read the article of a man who was flown to India because he could not pass out gas through his anus which made the gas accumulate in his tummy and made it very big and almost killed him (which kind yeye sickness be this one sef, hian). That was when I realized how important farting is to human health.

What is fart?
Farts are usually trapped air that could come from a number of sources including air swallowed while chewing or drinking or gas produced by chemical reactions in our intestines. A typical fart is composed of 59% Nitrogen, 21% Hydrogen, 9% Carbon Dioxide, 7% Methane and 4% Oxygen. Only one percent contains Hydrogen Sulfide which contains the sulphur that makes farts smell bad.

Why does it make a sound?
Farts make a sound when they escape due to the vibrations of the rectum. The loudness may vary depending on how much pressure is behind the gas, as well as how the messer positions their butt chicks and sphincter muscles surrounding the anus.

Why does it smell bad?
The more sulfur-rich your diet is, the more terrible your farts will smell. Some foods contain more sulfur than others, which is why eating things like beans, cabbage, cheese, soda, and eggs can cause head ache generating mess.

Okay to hold it in?
According to a team of physicians from the University of Copenhagen, holding in gas can cause bloating, indigestion, heartburn and, sometimes, even pain, they noted. Intestinal distension resulting from trapped gas may also increase blood pressure and heart rate. Then there’s the mental stress of trying to keep the gas from escaping. The doctors’ advice: Just let it go.

How often do we fart?
According to Brenna Lorenz, author of Facts on Farts, the average person produces about half a liter of farts every single day, and even though many women won’t admit it, women do fart just as often as men. In fact, a study has proven that when men and women eat the exact same food, woman tend to have even more concentrated gas than men. (I said it, women’s fart smell more than men’s and I just found my prove..lol)

FACT: If a person were to fart continuously for 6 years and 9 months, they would produce gas with the equivalent energy of an atomic bomb.

Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they are alive. Everybody farts. Queen Elizabeth, Kim Kardashian, your pastor. Everyone farts.

Are farts flammable?
As stated above, the methane and hydrogen in bacteria-produced farts make your gas highly flammable. This is why some people think it’s a fun party trick to hold a lighter up to their bums and let one fly; doing so produces a big burst of flame, but is obviously very dangerous.

How long does it take for fart to smell?
Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature, wind speed and direction. Also depends on the molecular weight of fart particles and distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source and their potency diminishes with dilution. Exceptional conditions exists when the fart is released in a small enclosed area like an elevator or a small room or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible and the fact may remain in smell-able concentrations for a long time until it condenses on the walls.

Do people fart after death?
Here’s proof that you can’t escape passing wind, even after you’re dead! Up to three hours after the body dies, gasses continue to escape from both ends of the digestive tract, resulting in burping or farting noises. This phenomenon is due to muscles contracting and expanding before rigor mortis sets in.

 

There you have it but remember, when in doubt, fart it out. I wish that you stay alive to fart for many years to come. AMEN

 

References:
1. Fart Facts: 10 Facts About Farting by Beverly Jenkins
2. Facts on Facts by Brenna Lorenz
3. Holding in intestinal Gas by Berkeley Wellness

10 Reasons Why Girls Like Bad Boys

bad-boy-images-hd

From an early age, as far back as early Secondary school I discovered that even with my height (was usually the tallest in my class), even with my looks (was always one of the finest boys in class according to girls) and my congenial nature (I was always friendly and liked by almost everybody). With all these qualities, I noticed I was the kind of guy all the girls liked but never wanted to date. On the other hand, the rude, bad boys got the finest girls in class while the nice guys including me went on break alone while the bad boys always had a girl or two hanging around them during break or even after school.

Fast forward over 10 years since then it has remained the same (girls haven’t stopped loving bad boys) but what has changed is my nice guy status. I now consider myself a very good bad boy and as you guessed it, I get the girls now…lol

But why do girls like bad boys? I have asked many girls and coupled with my research come up with a few reasons.

1. Genuine: I asked a girl a while back why she liked me knowing I was a bad boy and she replied “at least I know you are bad and not promising me the moon and the stars but for nice boys, I am not sure if they are truthful or just pretending to be nice to get what they want”. Bad boys don’t pretend while nice guys seem to always have an ulterior motive for their niceness.

Are all girls attracted to bad boys

2. Unpredictability: A girl once told me that her reason for liking bad boys is that their level of unpredictability keeps her on her toes. She believes nice guys are boring and very predictable. He’s always doing everything right and never wants to hurt her but for bad boys, the thrill is that she doesn’t know what to expect tomorrow. Is he going to shout, or rough handle her during sex. That unpredictability spices up the relationship according to her.

quote-Ian-McShane-the-bad-boy-always-more-fun-226758

3. Respect: Bad boys gain more respect from ladies than nice guys because nice guys are simply too ice to a fault. You know how a nice guy wouldn’t dare raise his voice to his woman even when she insults or disrespect him. You dare not talk back at a bad boy or else.

1338132358111_393627

4. The challenge: Nice guys don’t give girls any challenge because they are already nice and caring and sweet etc. Bad boys don’t know how to be all that mussy stuff. Girls want to boast of how they changed a bad boy, how they made him good, how they made him stop sleeping around, how they made him theirs, how they made him focus on just them. This is the challenge that bad boys give girls and that’s why they love them.

images (2)

5. Escapades: The truth is that this reason I am about to give shows how very differently girls are wired from guys. As a guy, I never want to hear what my girl had been up to in previous relationships. I don’t want to know who she had sex with or how they made love. I’m too jealous for all that and most guys are too. But on the other hand, girls ALWAYS want to hear a guy’s sex stories, his bad boy tales, his mind blowing escapades and guess who has more of those thought provoking stories in store; the bad boys.

good-girls-love-bad-boys-19

6. Commitment: It seems to men that women are commitment focused but the truth is that many women are afraid of commitments. Women who have a fear of commitment, those who just want to have fun or those who wants to be available and in-demand all the time find bad boys irresistible and sexy. Nice guys on the other hand are risky because they might fall in love anytime.

images (4)

7. Rule breakers: Bad guys are rule breakers and are very unapologetic about it while nice guys are strict rule followers. Lets take for example two couples. Jade and her friend Chisom got into a confrontation with a class mate who slapped both of them. Jade cried and reported him to her nice boyfriend Ikenna. Ikenna upon hearing, apologized on the class mate’s behalf, petted her and didn’t do anything about it. On the other hand, Chisom reported the classmate to her bad boy boyfriend Azeez aka AK-47. He didn’t even let her finish when he said “where is the fool?, I will teach him never to touch a lady talk less of my lady”. He called a few guys and processed to the boy’s hostel where they taught him a lesson. Some weeks after, the same boy slapped another girl but he dare not touch Chisom again. As a matter of fact, he greets her when he sees her. That’s the impact of a bad boy.

bad-boy

8. Masculinity: Bad boys know how to get things they want, either through hook or crook. Bad boys are very passionate and very confident and can’t be bullied easily. Above all, bad boys know how to handle a lady and make her happy.

images (1)

9. Good talkers: Bad boys knows what’s up on everything subject matter. They have that I-dont-give-a-damn attitude which girls love. A guy that knows what to say, when to say it and how to say it is a girl’s bread and butter.

images (3)

10. Special: Girls love to feel special but the thing about nice guys is that they made everyone feel special. Bad boys on the other hand don’t care about anyone (or so we believe) so knowing that this guy who doesn’t want a girlfriend and doesn’t take girls too seriously is into you is a chance to feel special.

98013-Every-Girl-Wants-A-Bad-Boy-Who-Will-Be-Good-Just-For-Her

NOTE: Guys, don’t be a bad boy, be the bad ass man who has his shit together. That’s sexier. 

download (1)

The “House Help” Kind Of Woman

b2d4dddc_black-is-beautiful-34

Written by a lady for ladies:

So your man tells you he is not planning on having kids or getting married anytime soon as he is still sorting out his life. He tells you he wants to have his second degree, a proper house and a bigger car first. You sit there smiling with just a birth certificate thinking how ‘lucky’ a wife you’ll be?
With the little he has, you ask for Brazilian hair and designer shoes. He goes to work and then straight to class after work. He leaves you in pyjamas in the morning and returns to find you in the same pyjamas in the evening. While he studies you watch ‘African Magic’ and ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’. He comes back home to find pap and chicken in the microwave. The only serious conversation you ever have is about the type of groceries you guys need.

The only advice you give him is “Babe you need to buy a new pair of socks, the ones you bought last time are torn.” Nothing intelligent comes out of your mouth. No plans of making your own life better. Yes you’re are pretty, no doubt about that. But so is every second girl passing by.
Don’t you realise that you’re not doing anything a maid can’t do? When he finishes studying, the first thing he will do is REPLACE HIS MAID. Because then he would be able to afford a maid and have a PROPER WIFE who has brains.
That’s when we are going hear your infamous last words, “I was with him through thick and thin when he had nothing, now that he is successful he thinks I am nothing.” Truth is, yes, you’re right. You’ve always been NOTHING but a maid to him.

My dear, empower yourself to be the woman a successful man wants to have in his life. When God said in Genesis 2:18 that “it is not good for Man to be alone, I will make him a help an help meet for him”, I am sure He didn’t meet helper just in the kitchen or raining children. Make yourself a helper with class. The type of helper that a man that ran business ideas though, the type a man does nothing without consulting, the type whose prayer is the catalyst to her man’s progress. The Bible said in Proverbs 18:22 “whose findeth a wife findeth a good thing….”. Have you made yourself a “good thing” or are you the money sucking, idle, eating, gossiping and lazying around thing.

Remember, be the woman that a man needs not the woman that neess a man. Stand out.

Written from across the border by Jasmine Ofoegbu
Twitter/IG: @prideofafrika

Previous Older Entries