Smoking Weed Made Me See Ghosts

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So my mouth has been a virgin to anything smoking but that changed yesterday. I decided to forgo by non smoking ways and jump into the very deep end of smoking.

The question was not if I should smoke. I had passed that stage. The question lingering in my mind was what to smoke.

Do I smoke cigarettes?
I picked up a pack of Benson and Hedges and saw “SMOKERS ARE LIABLE TO DIE YOUNG” boldly written on the back of every pack I picked.

I am not even thirty yet and not even engaged talkless of married, why would I smoke something that would make me liable to die young.

Cigarettes are out of it.

The next option from my dubious research was weed aka indian hemp aka skunk aka SK aka marijuana.

I was informed that weed was “medicinal” and unlike cigarettes has no ill effects on the lung.

Long story short, smoking weed doesn’t make one liable to die young.

BINGO.

I will smoke weed then.

I bought a chunk of weed and bought a wrap called “riztler” or sth with that sound used to wrap the weed.

While strolling to my house, I decided to test the weed (biggest mistake of my life).

I branched into a bush, removed the seeds in the weed, placed it amateurishly into the riztler, wrapped it up and lit a match.

My first seven puffs were accompanied by long bouts of coughs. As the learner I am.

By the eighth puff, I was turning into a “professional” and the effect of the weed was taking over me.

Overwhelmingly so.

Then I stood up from the stone I had made my stool and decided to head home but no taxi on that route at that time of the night, so I started recalling old comedies and started laughing on my own.

The more I thought about them, the more I laughed.

It started to rain when I decided I had to hitch a ride home or the rain would spoil my fine boy swag.

Suddenly a Range Rover jeep stopped by my side. I quickly jumped into the passenger’s side and closed the door.

All of a sudden the car started moving, and just when I was about to say thank you to the driver, I discovered there was no one in the car.

I started to freak out but was too scared to jump out of a moving vehicle.

When the car got to a bend, a hand came in through the driver’s window and turned the steering wheel. This happened twice and on the third time I totally freaked out, jumped out of the car screaming and landed in a ditch full of rain water.

I got up and ran for my dear life and entered the nearest bar I found.

It was a Friday night so the bar was filled with people looking to catch their groove.

I enterer the bar, panting profusely.

“Waiter”, I screamed.

Bring me two bottles of Odeku.

“Yez Za”, she replied.

After downing like four bottles of Odeku (two others followed suit almost immediately after the first two) and narrating my ghost story to anyone who cared to listen, I started hearing voices.

The first voice said “Bros you know you are a fine boy?”

I replied smiling “Before nkoh”

Another voice sounding like a lady’s voice said “Fine boy remove your shirt, let us see your six packs”.

Before I could say Jack Robinson, I saw my shirt on the floor.

Till now, I don’t know if I removed the shirt myself or the shirt removed itself.

The same voice continued, “Fine boy, remove your jean trousers”.

Without questioning the rationale behind that command, I had removed my trousers.

While I was struggling with these inner voices, three guys walked into the same bar all drenched in rain water.

One of them pointed at me and said, “Isn’t that the mad man who entered the car while we were pushing it”?

As I am writing this, I am still high so I don’t know if this is a true story or the effect of the weed making me hallucinate.

But one thing is sure.

Anything that makes you do things unconsciously and out of character is evil.

Anything that makes you hear voices that is not the voice of God is evil.

Weed is evil.

Never again.

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Story by Ayo
Edited by Kurtis Smith
Culled from www.lailasblog.com

For Guys Only: The 15 C’s of Bachelorhood

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Enough has been said about the do and don’ts of bachelorhood so this writer isn’t about boring you with too much information. Below are 15 important C’s in a bachelor’s life.

1. Cash: A bachelor finds his identity by the type of job or business he is engaged in. Money makes the world go round and money makes differentiates a bachelor from a mummy’s boy.

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2. Chances: A bachelor isn’t one that leaves his life to chance. He plans ahead. Financially, he saves for the future and doesn’t spend his money on impulse. A smart bachelor has short term and long term goals. He has yearly achievement targets. He has five to ten years plans. Don’t just live for everyday. Live for the future.

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3. Chaste/Condom: The rate at which young men are becoming fathers and at worst contacting deadly diseases is alarming. Women bring down men faster than a bulldozer can destroy a house. The weapon is their body and the process is sexual. Remain chaste and avoid sexual immorality to avoid stories that touch. But if you can’t stay away from sex, condoms do a great job. Why risk future heartache for 30 minutes at most of unprotected sex.

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4. Contraceptive: We get inundated with claims that dogs are a man’s best friend but a sexually active bachelor with the knowledge of contraceptives like Postinor 2 will beg to differ. Instead of encouraging her to abort a child, encourage her to kill the sperm cells in her womb before it teams up with her egg to form a baby.

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5. Confidence: A girl with low self esteem would still get guys over her. Imagine a guy with the same issue. A bachelor riddled with low self esteem is one of the most pitiable sights ever. You are a man. Yes a man. Be confident, man!!

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6. Character: A bachelor should have an unwavering character. His YES should be his YES and his NO should remain his NO. Come rain, come shine. Never compromise.

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7. Charisma: Wikipedia defines charisma as “compelling attractiveness or charm”. Whereras money makes you fake friends, charisma attracts real friends. With charisma comes courteousness (politeness). Both go hand in hand.

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8. Car: Enough has been said about having a car and being readily mobile. As long as your vehicle takes you from point A to point B, you are game.

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9. Crib: No bachelor should feel comfortable staying in his father’s house. His mission is to move out ASAP. You have a crib in Banana Island or a room and mattress in Surulere. You are independent. That’s all that matters.

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10. Cautious: There are two things a bachelor should guard against. His money and his marital status. Girls are after both. Some after his money while others after his marital status either through hook (pregnancy) or crook (pretense). Be very careful.

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11. Caring: A bachelor should possess caring genes. Remember to treat a lady like you would want your daughter treated.

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12. Cheat: Some ladies have the belief that all men cheat. The truth is that although many men cheat, many more men are faithful. It’s easier to cheat than take the faithful road. Be up to the challenge. Choose right and be loyal to her.

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13. Content: No matter what you do, the type of car you drive or the girl you are dating. There is always gonna be someone richer than you, finer than you and there is always gonna be a girl sexier, prettier and classier than you girlfriend. Be contented.

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14. Crime/Coward/Children: Remember to be a bachelor with class demands that you make sacrifices and uphold certain virtues that others might consider outdated.
i. Any money you can’t testify about in church is not worth it. Crime might give you temporary gratification but could generate permanent regrets. Crime doesn’t pay. Work hard, believe in yourself, trust in God and your pay day will come. Clean money.

IMG_20160712_195827 ii. A coward is a man that promises a girl marriage just to get in bed with her. A coward is a man that physically assaults or emotional batters a lady. A coward is a man that sleeps with under-age girls to satisfy his twisted sexual appetite. A coward is a man that rapes a lady because she refuses to give her consent. Don’t be a coward.

IMG_20160617_183754 iii. Children are adorable and heavenly creatures but should not be introduced into the World prematurely. Don’t be a father with a baby mama but a father with a wife.

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15. Christ: Let’s imagine a Christ-less bachelor and a Christ-filled one.  Where one hustles for every dime he makes, the other glides into wealth with grace. Where one spends nights in clubs with girls, the other is planning into his future with the Word of God. Where one boasts about his sexual prowess or the depth of his pocket to any girl that cares to listen, the other talks about salvation and Jesus Christ to everyone who cares to listen. Where one is worried about the future, the other is rest assured that his future is bright. Be a Christ filled bachelor today.

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12 Tips On How To Remain Broke

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1. Never wake up early: Sleep rejuvenates the body and the more sleep you get the better. Who said you should wake up and get anything done? Isn’t it the same people that said “follow your dreams”? So how do they expect you dream if you don’t sleep more?

2. Never pray: There is this satisfaction that comes with waking up, grabbing your phone and replying the numerous messages from friends and bae especially. Prayer could be cumbersome and time consuming. Reading the Bible or Quran is even worst. Boring!?! Who said we must pray? Play instead.

3. Never plan how to spend your money: When economists and money managers come up with their “plan your spending wisely” mantra, I just twist and turn in disguise. Don’t they know YOLO (You Only Live Once)?? What happens to all the money accumulated if while crossing the road, you get hit by a truck? Enjoy life while you can is my motto. Party hard. Buy the good things of life. You have the money, spend it.

4. Celebrate birthdays lavishly: Someone asked me why I celebrate my birthday every year with a party and I replied “life is short, every day is a blessing”. Enough of low key birthday parties. You have the money, rent a hall, get a minimum of 4 cakes, assorted drinks and food, hire a DJ and an MC and spend BIG. Remember, life is short.

5. Never save: How can you save when you earn so little? Those telling you to save are not sympathetic to your burning needs. They don’t realize that with the inflation rate going up, the value of money saved is going down. There is no better time to spend that now. Save? That’s too easy.

6. Never pay your tithe and offering: You know how Pastors will quote scriptures upon scriptures emphasizing on the need to pay tithes and offerings into their churches? Pay them no attention. They are all after their pockets. Don’t you see their flashy cars and posh houses? Don’t give tithe or offering in churches. As a matter of fact, don’t even attend church. God helps those who help themselves.

7. Wait to get a job: So you finished from one of the prestigious Universities with a good grade, served your country and no job is forthcoming? You have sent your CV everywhere possible, called those uncles and aunts in big offices but still no job. Now the Government is encouraging unemployed youths to venture into farming, tailoring, fish farming, petty trade? Uhhhhhh??? A University graduate like you? Never!!! Don’t even attempt doing jobs for the uneducated. Just stay at home, eat your parent’s food and wait for a lucky break. Good things comes to those who wait. Remember that.

8. Don’t start a business: So you have a business in mind. A business plan has been set up and a company name already registered but no funds. How do you expect to kick-start the business without investing millions. Millions you don’t have. Even Dangote himself had to borrow N500,000 from his Uncle so many years ago to start his business empire. Banks aren’t willing to lend money. Where do you start? Don’t kill yourself to make it. Not everyone is destined to be rich, maybe it’s not your destiny.

9. Blame everyone: Fuel prices in Nigeria has gone overboard, food prices are following suit, no jobs anywhere, money is not circulating. It’s obvious the Government is to blame for your joblessness. They promised and are failing woefully. Not to talk about your parents that didn’t put you through school. It’s their fault you can’t even get a good job to start with. Everything isn’t working in your favour. The country isn’t working in your favour. It’s time to travel abroad.

10. Never improve: After all the pressure of going to school. You know those late night hours reading for exams and you finally graduated. Now they are telling you to attend seminars, engage in personal development, learn a new trade, take professional courses and the likes. For what? To get a better job? You don’t even have one in the first place with your distinguished certificate. There is no time and energy for all that extra stress. Don’t kill yourself.

11a. (For Guys) Spend on girls: Have you realized why celebrities, rich men, sugar daddies, big boys get the hottest girls and have girls drooling over them? It’s because they spend the money. Who said you shouldn’t do likewise. You have the money, spend it. The money you spend, the more girls will flock around you.

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11b. (For Girls) Dress to impress: There comes a time in a girl’s life that fashion becomes a core value in her life. The time where the more she “baffs up”, the more she impresses guys and oppresses other girls. And the more IG followers and likes she garners. Who said you shouldn’t wear the latest human hair or have that beautiful expensive red shoe you saw on TV? My sister, you have the money, spend it.

12. The cheerful giver/taker: So your friend needs money to take care of his personal stuff, why not lend him? In retrospect, why lend when you have enough to give out. Remember God loves a cheerful giver.
However, if you don’t have enough to make ends meet, never be afraid or too shy to borrow from someone. Remember the Bible says, ask and it shall be given unto you.

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Adapted from a write-up by Joslad.

ATM Cards: Theft And Kidnap Situations

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I have never been a fan of mobile banking apps because of hitches like connection error, service time out and their annoying charges. I decided to try it out only because where I was undertaking my NYSC was very far from the closest bank or even ATM.

What I didn’t know was that my bank’s app was about to save me from a major heartache.

So fast forward to a few months after I began using the online banking app. I was on my way back from Port Harcourt in River’s State, Nigeria.
I entered a car in Choba going to Buguma. The journey was smooth after passing the police check point after Choba park. When we got to Ogbakiri junction to divert to Kalabari kingdom. We met some men thinking it was just the usual police check point. Not knowing that they are kidnappers. Everything looked like a dream. Not until they asked us to get down from the car and began beating us. Two of them had guns. Within 10 minutes, they had pushed the five of us inside their jeep.

We were taken to one uncompleted building where all we had on us were collected and searched. Bags, wallets, ATM cards, hand bags, name it.

Our ATM cards and the pins were collected from us with the warning that the family of those without ATM cards would be contacted and ransom demanded from them.

To make matters worst, the account of the ATM card I gave them had about N265,540 (N210,000 was given to me by my sister only a few days back of which I intended using the funds to start up a small business to compliment my NYSC allowee). I couldn’t afford loosing all that money at a go. I was just praying in my mind for God to perform a miracle and my ATM card will be deactivated or for it not to pay.

As we all awaited our fate as one of the kidnappers went with our ATM cards to withdraw our monies, my phone rang. The kidnapper guarding us, cut it. It rang again. He cut it. He asked who owned the phone. I said I was the one. He said if not because of he loved the ringtone, he would have smashed the phone.

“So you dey watch Empire?” he asked me.
I said “Yes.”
My ringtone was “Ready To Go” by Jamaal from Empire.
Infact I had almost all the songs used in the series. I tried to see if I could use this as a platform to chat with him. I told him that I have all the Empire songs used in the movie series. He asked how I got them. I told him I downloaded them online. He asked for the password of my phone and while he gave it to me, he received a call and went outside to answer it.

I was so scared as my hands were literally shaking while holding the phone. As I punched in the password, the online banking app was staring me in the face. I looked across the room and the kidnapper wasn’t in sight. Something in me said, “Why don’t you transfer the money in your First Bank Account (the account with the ATM card that had N265,540 in it) to my GTB Account (had only N25,000 in this account and left the ATM card at home)”.

At first I was scared, I didn’t know if the one that had gone to withdraw had already completed the transaction. I had to summon courage. I put on my data immediately and logged in. Low and behold, the N265,540 was still in my account. I transferred the money to my GT bank account. Infact the network in the area was so fast that I did everything within a minute. The kidnapper that gave me my phone got back and took the phone from me. As luck would have it, I had already logged out and uninstalled the app (you never can tell how computer literate these men are).

Barely 15 minutes later, they received a call from the guy that went to withdraw that my account had only N540. They were angry and threatened to keep me hostage. I began pleading that I was only a corper.

After 3 hours, I was released but my phone and other valuables were taken away. They said they released me because I had nothing to offer. I was able to leave the environment only to discover I was in Bayelsa State. I managed to stop someone, explained my predicament tp him and was directed to a Corper’s lounge not too far away. I stayed with them and left for my base the next day. Thank God.

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True Story by Onismate
Edited by Kurtis Smith

 

Moral of the Story:
1. Endeavor to familiarize yourself with your bank’s online app. It might come in handy one day to pay bills, transfer money when an ATM or bank is not readily accessible.
2. Never go around with an ATM that has majority of your money. Never. The account with the bulk of your money should not have an ATM if you ask me. Works for me. Saves you from outlandish and unplanned spending, ATM theft and kidnap situations.
The ATM on you should have maybe 10% of all your funds. Anytime you need money for something, you use online banking to transfer money to the account with the ATM. Simple.
3. Always delete those text messages from your bank with your account balance. Some robbers might have the presence of mind to go through your text messages to know how much you have in your account. Don’t afford them that privilege.

May God guide us all.

The Yoruba Girl That Loved The Igbo Boy

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Sometime in the 1980’s and exactly 29 days from today in the vibrant city of Onitsha in Anambra State, a beautiful young lady would give birth to my beautiful baby (humble self). Yes me.

But fortunately (I hate talking about myself), this article isn’t about me but about a joyous beauty born on this day in the early 90’s.

A girl born to a Yoruba father, an Hausa mother and dated an Igbo boy. She’s indeed special. Isn’t she?

So whose this multicultural girl?

Ehmmmmmmm…..

Let me start from the day I met her.

Day: October 1st 2012, which is Nigeria’s Independence day. You still don’t think she’s special? Oya wait.

I was this tall lanky (still lanky) boy finding his bearing in England’s former World War torn city Coventry. I came to undertake my Master’s degree  program and had sworn not to even bat an eye lid to any member of the opposite sex. Never. I was here to get a Distinction. No girl was gonna stop me from achieving that dream.

Then I met her…….

I had just finished a class, strolled down to get a coffee and some biscuits (UK’s traditional meal). I was putting on a green top (representing Nigerian’s colours because it was Independence day, remember?). I sat down to take some fresh air before placing my order.

Then I saw Sisi Eko.

This dark skinned beauty with mamiwater eyes was standing on the queue.

I stood up like a man possessed, stopped right beside her on the queue like the damn coffee and biscuits mattered to me. Then the words came out.

“Hi, you look Nigerian but why on Earth aren’t you putting on anything green. Aren’t you proud of your country?” I said with a smile.

Till today, I can’t remember her reply but I recall both of us smiling like babies watching Tom and Jerry.

I invited her for an Independence Day Program I was MC-ing for the Nigerian Community in Coventry City. She was new in the country and wasn’t sure she’s was gonna attend. We exchanged contacts and left.

We met on a Monday. We saw on a Tuesday (she invited I and my friend over to her place and she fed both of us). I invited her to church on Wednesday for midweek service. We saw again on Thursday. We started dating on Friday.

It was that fast.

I spent almost 2 years in the UK and throughout she was my best friend. My cook (she taught me how to cook and made me the bad ass cook that I am today). She was a study partner. Did I forget to mention that she has an amazing voice. She was a chorister in church and I was her second biggest fan, after God. She was a shoulder to lean on. When I was broke, she lent me money (had to force her to take the money back). She was that hot smile that I needed to see me through the cold weather of the UK. She encouraged me to start this damn blog in the first place…lol. She saw me beyond the tall, quick tampered, atimes lousy boy that I was. Mind you, we had a sex-less relationship (so yes, love doesn’t need sex to work). She never took my money, always preferred to use hers. She never saw me as the Igbo boy I am, but as the man I could become. The man Nigeria would be proud of.

It’s almost 4 years since we met and a while since we broke up but the love and care an Hausa/Yoruba girl showered on an Igbo boy is a taste of what Nigeria could become if we put ethnicity aside.

Remarkable innit?

Happy Birthday Princel *Princess + Angel* (A name I gave her).

She knows herself (would rather keep her identity private. For her future husband’s sake…lol)

Have a great day and a wonderful year ahead love. God bless you and your future generations. Xo

 

UPDATE: After she read the article (Screenshot below)

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