12 Tips On How To Remain Broke

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1. Never wake up early: Sleep rejuvenates the body and the more sleep you get the better. Who said you should wake up and get anything done? Isn’t it the same people that said “follow your dreams”? So how do they expect you dream if you don’t sleep more?

2. Never pray: There is this satisfaction that comes with waking up, grabbing your phone and replying the numerous messages from friends and bae especially. Prayer could be cumbersome and time consuming. Reading the Bible or Quran is even worst. Boring!?! Who said we must pray? Play instead.

3. Never plan how to spend your money: When economists and money managers come up with their “plan your spending wisely” mantra, I just twist and turn in disguise. Don’t they know YOLO (You Only Live Once)?? What happens to all the money accumulated if while crossing the road, you get hit by a truck? Enjoy life while you can is my motto. Party hard. Buy the good things of life. You have the money, spend it.

4. Celebrate birthdays lavishly: Someone asked me why I celebrate my birthday every year with a party and I replied “life is short, every day is a blessing”. Enough of low key birthday parties. You have the money, rent a hall, get a minimum of 4 cakes, assorted drinks and food, hire a DJ and an MC and spend BIG. Remember, life is short.

5. Never save: How can you save when you earn so little? Those telling you to save are not sympathetic to your burning needs. They don’t realize that with the inflation rate going up, the value of money saved is going down. There is no better time to spend that now. Save? That’s too easy.

6. Never pay your tithe and offering: You know how Pastors will quote scriptures upon scriptures emphasizing on the need to pay tithes and offerings into their churches? Pay them no attention. They are all after their pockets. Don’t you see their flashy cars and posh houses? Don’t give tithe or offering in churches. As a matter of fact, don’t even attend church. God helps those who help themselves.

7. Wait to get a job: So you finished from one of the prestigious Universities with a good grade, served your country and no job is forthcoming? You have sent your CV everywhere possible, called those uncles and aunts in big offices but still no job. Now the Government is encouraging unemployed youths to venture into farming, tailoring, fish farming, petty trade? Uhhhhhh??? A University graduate like you? Never!!! Don’t even attempt doing jobs for the uneducated. Just stay at home, eat your parent’s food and wait for a lucky break. Good things comes to those who wait. Remember that.

8. Don’t start a business: So you have a business in mind. A business plan has been set up and a company name already registered but no funds. How do you expect to kick-start the business without investing millions. Millions you don’t have. Even Dangote himself had to borrow N500,000 from his Uncle so many years ago to start his business empire. Banks aren’t willing to lend money. Where do you start? Don’t kill yourself to make it. Not everyone is destined to be rich, maybe it’s not your destiny.

9. Blame everyone: Fuel prices in Nigeria has gone overboard, food prices are following suit, no jobs anywhere, money is not circulating. It’s obvious the Government is to blame for your joblessness. They promised and are failing woefully. Not to talk about your parents that didn’t put you through school. It’s their fault you can’t even get a good job to start with. Everything isn’t working in your favour. The country isn’t working in your favour. It’s time to travel abroad.

10. Never improve: After all the pressure of going to school. You know those late night hours reading for exams and you finally graduated. Now they are telling you to attend seminars, engage in personal development, learn a new trade, take professional courses and the likes. For what? To get a better job? You don’t even have one in the first place with your distinguished certificate. There is no time and energy for all that extra stress. Don’t kill yourself.

11a. (For Guys) Spend on girls: Have you realized why celebrities, rich men, sugar daddies, big boys get the hottest girls and have girls drooling over them? It’s because they spend the money. Who said you shouldn’t do likewise. You have the money, spend it. The money you spend, the more girls will flock around you.

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11b. (For Girls) Dress to impress: There comes a time in a girl’s life that fashion becomes a core value in her life. The time where the more she “baffs up”, the more she impresses guys and oppresses other girls. And the more IG followers and likes she garners. Who said you shouldn’t wear the latest human hair or have that beautiful expensive red shoe you saw on TV? My sister, you have the money, spend it.

12. The cheerful giver/taker: So your friend needs money to take care of his personal stuff, why not lend him? In retrospect, why lend when you have enough to give out. Remember God loves a cheerful giver.
However, if you don’t have enough to make ends meet, never be afraid or too shy to borrow from someone. Remember the Bible says, ask and it shall be given unto you.

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Adapted from a write-up by Joslad.

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