What IF banana FALL on you today?

 

'will design for fo2'

What IF I told you that banana would FALL on you now, what would you say? Lol.

The Nigerian music scene has been laden with so much sexual innuendo that one can’t help but flinch when eating fruits these days.

No fruit or plant has escaped musicians wrath with cassava, cucumber, banana, eggplant all caught in their sexually explicit lingua franca.

d8b460e0e7c0e239ff50d0d5ceec7325--job-memes-stuff-to-buy

These sexual undertones have endeared most to these artists and their songs but taking a deeper look into the male organ, what do women really have to say about its size and usage?

In an impromptu survey conducted on a group of 10 friends, ‘size matters’ came up tops for 5 participants, 4 went for ‘usage’ while the last one went for something I never heard in my life (we will discuss that much later).
In the view of the ‘size matters’ advocates, as long as the size of a man’s organ isn’t big enough for the width of a woman’s vagina, no matter how good he is, she won’t reach sexual climax.

2015-10-15-1444924910-3253392-PenisBanana

The 4 people championing the course for ‘usage’ however insist that size does in fact matter with one going as far as quoting the preacher, Myles Munroe who said “when the purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable”. In the words of two ‘usage’ advocates; “Size doesn’t matter. Some sizes could be big and still not function properly so what matters is how skilled the owner is at using it. Size only adds to the feeling”.

However, out of the 10 people questioned, whereas five chose ‘size’ and four opted for ‘usage’, one stood out completely. The purpose of this article is looking at her very interesting view on the subject matter.

In Halimat’s opinion, size doesn’t matter and usage doesn’t really matter, ‘aura’ matters.
In her words “It all depends on the mind and desire. The mind works in mysterious ways. It creates the picture and sends to the brain which in return produces hormones. For this reason a person can be sexually attracted to a woman who is endowed without her necessarily using that endowment in bed. It’s all about the mind of an individual not the size or usage of the joystick”.

 

It took me a while to understand her point of view but then it hit me.

A girl can fall for the body of a man who’s not good in bed and with a small organ because her mind has taken her satisfaction from the actual sex to the aura surrounding him. Only his hands over her, his kisses, his touch, his tongue, his words, his sweat, his energy makes her achieve climax. Her mind has rewired her brain from the ‘size’ and ‘usage’ mentality to the ‘aura’ mentality. Makes total sense.

ae6aff8c41bfc200b7b7ef9f286fd579--banana-peels-food-blogs

Just like a car owner who loves a particular car, dreams of the car, craves for the car only to get the car and find out that it consumes too much fuel or doesn’t drive as he had wished fast. His love for the car would require his brain to ignore the other elements not working to his taste.

Same way a girl can love a guy that cheats but still stay in the relationship because he takes good care of her and makes her happy.
The same way a man can stay with a lady girl in bed because her booty is made of silicon.

Same way a girl can become a single mother for Davido just because of the aura (fame, money, influence, power, personality) he carries around with him.
Think about it.

So when next you are asked the question, does size matter. Maybe your answer should be, ‘no, size doesn’t matter, aura does’.

On a different note, maybe we are just crazy and might never know what women really want…lol

'will design for food 2'

The Smile for the Camera Relationships

636091882

Growing up, I realized quite early that God made my feet annoyingly big. My dad and brothers couldn’t pass down shoes to me because as early as 17, I had outgrown everyone’s shoe size.

During Youth Service, the NYSC officials couldn’t provide me with a shoe that could fit. I wear 46/47 and the most they had in my camp was size 45 so I was the only corper exempted from wearing boots. I wore slippers and my own shoes around the camp. It was that bad.

Have you ever seen a shoe you like but heartbroken that it doesn’t fit?

I go to the market to get shoes and come back depressed. The gorgeous shoes I see aren’t my size but with anger coupled with optimism, I buy one or two that fit a bit.
I wear them out to occasions and get the “beautiful shoe” compliments left, right and center which should be enough to offset the pain my feet is feeling. Right? WRONG!!!
When no one is looking, I find a place to get the damn shoes off, stretch my feet and let them breathe. It’s never worth it.

keep-calm-and-say-cheese-372

Does my shoe struggles sound familiar with some relationship problems?

She’s beautiful, hot and quite presentable. She’s like a trophy wife. People keep gushing about her looks and poise but inside no one knows what you are enduring. She’s difficult to handle. She’s disrespectful. She’s lazy. She’s contentious.
He’s handsome, hardworking and funny with a very healthy bank account. He’s every girl’s dream. Girls are envious of you both and guys are jealous but inside no one knows what you are enduring. He speaks to you in a condescending manner, shouts at will and strikes you when he can’t stand your complaints.

say_cheese__by_melartin-d5c2sku

Let’s look at this “smile for the camera” type of relationships we keep having from another angle.

You are to travel from Abuja to Lagos by road with your family and given two options;
First is an unpainted Sienna bus with a regularly serviced engine, tires and a well-trained driver.
Second is a 2017 Range Rover Sports Utility Vehicle with a faulty engine, tired looking tires and an aggressive Fast and Furious driver.
Which of the automobiles would you choose to travel in?

Easy choice right?

So why do we stay in abusive relationships because of what people will say?
Why do we stay in stale relationships that look good on the outside but toxic on the inside?
Why do we keep managing relationships that are leading to nowhere?
Why do we keep praying for the wrong man to change instead of praying for the right man to find you?
Why do we keep entertaining a promiscuous partner with the excuse that “the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t”?
Why do we keep forgiving a partner that slaps and beats you at will because he loves you and maybe “it’s my fault he slapped me”?
Why do we smile for the camera (family, friends, colleagues, social media contacts) like we have a perfect relationship when we are dying on the inside?

saycheese

It’s time you drop what people might think and stand by what you think because at the end of the day, “no one knows where the shoe pinches, but he who wears it.”
Don’t be the sad and bruised girl in a Range Rover Sport looking out of the window and admiring the happy and joyous girl in a taxi.
Life is too short to be unhappy.
A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.
Stop sitting on the fence and take that leap of faith.
Who cares what the camera sees when you are hurting in camera (pun intended).
Get out now while you still can.

Say-Cheese-Truck-SOURCE-Meredith-Browndyke-Smith-

Why A Man Should Not Help His Woman

my helper

Schooling abroad taught me one major lesson about life. That “if you don’t take care of yourself, no one else would”. I wasn’t satisfied with depending on my parents for my daily upkeep so had to get a factory job in the UK and that meant cutting expenses which resulted in learning how to take proper care of myself from scratch.

I learnt how to cook and prepare my meals and take proper care of my house.

This lesson transcended into my love life. I preferred cooking my meals, wash my clothes myself, clean my house and take care of myself. Some lazy girls didn’t bother, less work for them but others found it odd.

“A friend came to my house for coffee, we sat and talked, talking about life. At some point in the conversation, I said, “I’m going to wash the dishes and I’ll be right back.”

He looked at me as if I had told him I was going to build a space rocket. Then he said to me with admiration but a little perplexed: “I’m glad U help your wife, I do not help because when I do my wife does not praise. Last week I washed the floor and no thanks.”

I went back to sit with him and explained that I did not “help” my wife. Actually, my wife does not need help, she needs a partner. I am a partner at home and through that society are divided functions, but it is not a “help” as household chores.

I do not help my wife clean the house because I live here too and I need to clean it too.

I do not help my wife to cook because I also want to eat and I need to cook too.

I do not help my wife wash the dishes after eating because I also use those dishes.

I do not help my wife with her children because they are also my children and my job is to be a father.

I do not help my wife to wash, spread or fold clothes, because the clothes are also mine and my children.

I am not a help at home, I am part of the house. And as for praising, I asked my friend when it was the last time after his wife finished cleaning the house, washing clothes, changing bed sheets, bathing in her children, cooking, organizing, etc. U said thank you
But a thank you of the type: Wow, sweetheart !!! You are fantastic!!!

Does that seem absurd to you? Are you looking strange? When you, once in a lifetime, cleaned the floor, you expected in the least a prize of excellence with great glory … why? You never thought about that, my friend?

Maybe because for you, the macho culture has shown that everything is her job.

Perhaps you have been taught that all this must be done without having to move a finger? Then praise her as you wanted to be praised, in the same way, with the same intensity. Give her a hand, behave like a true companion, not as a guest who only comes to eat, sleep, bathe and satisfy needs … Feel at home. In his house.

The real change of our society begins in our homes, let us teach our sons and daughters the real sense of fellowship!”

 

Note: First three paragraphs are mine. The rest was lifted from Tee Edwards’ post titled “I do not help my wife” on Facebook.

00

Guys,
Let us give her a hand. Let us behave like true companions. Let us not behave like guests who only come to eat, sleep, bathe and satisfy needs other needs. Let us start feeling at home in our own house.

You are Jollof Rice, Wait For Your Chicken

jollof love

Sitting down at the reception venue watching my friend dance ever so romantically with his new wife, only one thought kept creeping into my head.

For I had finished demolishing the small chops and bottle water on my table and was hungry.
I was in need of food!!!!!!!

Then I remembered the Bible scripture, Ecclesiastes 7:8 which says that “Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof”. I knew that jollof rice and chicken would soon be served. The Bible never lies.

Just as I thought, the waiters started their primary mission at the wedding. Jollof rice and chicken was being served.

But as my stomach was longing for some jollof affection, the writer in me caught a vision. The jollof rice and chicken vision.

In this World where love and lust are often misplaced.
In this World where we are told that love sometimes hurts and is unpleasant.
In this World where prenups are inserted into marriage certificates.
In this World where make-up brushes are used to hide marital bruises.
In this World where white lies are used to cover up infidelity.
In this World where divorce is the norm and divorce lawyers charge by the hour. .
In that one Jollof-and-chicken moment, it dawned on me that love is not sorrowful but sweet.

Love doesn’t hurt but builds.

Love isn’t restless but patient.

Love does not envy or boast but is meek and understanding.

Love is not arrogant or rude but soft and supportive.

Love is not vengeful but forgiving.

Love does not insist on its own way but full of compromise.

In whatever you do. Find someone that compliments you like this smoked peppered chicken compliments jollof rice so effortlessly.

The same way you don’t force your feet into shoes not your size. Don’t force your love into a heart not meant for you.

You are jollof rice, don’t settle for small chops. Be patient and your chicken will locate you. Relax!!!!!!!

Are You Really A Virgin? Like Really!!

purity_ring (1)

There used to be a time when virginity was generally synonymous to virtue in the culturally scheme of things. Youths especially girls were encouraged to avoid sexual intercourse till marriage because virginity was a pride to the girl’s family, admiration for the future husband and show of self worth for the girl in question.

How has time changed…..

Wester culture education, exposure, social media influence, inquisitiveness, curiosity, stubbornness, peer pressure and in some cases low self esteem has made virginity seem achaic and old fashioned and without value.

Cultural tenets have long slacked on the topic of virginity with religion slowly loosing it’s grip on the subject matter with some preaching abstenance from sex not chastity. Big difference.

It was in this school of thought that I was asked my opinion on getting married to a virgin.

virginn

A broad smile crept up on my face because I expected my response to shock the “asker”.

Then I commenced.

“What is a virginity?” Virginity is defined as a state of never having had sexual intercourse. Emphasis is on ‘never had in sexual intercourse’.

Then I continued…..

“What is sexual intercourse?” It is defined as sexual contact between individuals involving penetration especially the insertion of a man’s erect penis in a lady’s vagina.

Therefore a virgin is someone who hasn’t had vaginal penetration.

But then again, there are many sexual relations that mustn’t culminate in penetration including oral and anal sex, aggresive foreplay, kissing, fondling, caressing, smooching and the likes.

The term ‘virgin’ has long vacated the ranks of defining the sexually naive, and inexperienced folks with some virgins having more exposure and experience in sexual matters than even their sexually active counterparts.

Click HERE to read the article “Understanding Virginity and The 5 Types of Virgins” for more information on the subject matter.

So the right question has evolved from “would you marry a virgin?” to “would you marry a chaste virgin?”

celibacy

Whereas virginity is abstinence from sexual intercourse, chastity on the other hand is refraining from any form of genital sexual relations, inappropriate touching, anal/oral sex, kissing, immodest or inappropriate conversations, viewing of pornography, masturbation and even sexual fantasizing.

Virginity can no longer be used as a yardstick in judging purity and virtue in out ever evolving world. But where virginity is failing, chastity has risen to the occasion.

Remember, it’s no longer “are you a virgin?”, it’s now “are you a chaste virgin?”. Big difference.

virginity

Angry Feminists: When Women Can’t Cook

pounded yam

I wonder what happened to the women who knew how to cater for their families and where actually proud of it. Now you mention “kitchen”, feminists will tag you a misogynist. .

We live in a world which has forgotten their “foundation”.

We live in a world where baking has nothing to do with the kitchen but a make up term.

We now live in a world fast food is the fast way to prepare family meals.

We live in a world where girls are afraid to slay common chicken but have no problem slaying to events. .

We live in a world where #pepperdemgang can’t even touch pepper with their bare hands because it’s “hot”.

We live in a world where girls know more number of sex positions than number of dishes they can prepare.

As I said feminists will call me misogynist to hide their shame but truth be told, a man that can’t take care of his family is a joke whereas a woman that can’t cook for her family is a joker.

 

Please follow the blog on IG: @chiefkurtisblog

When A Man Loves A Woman

encourger

Love to a man is simply finding solace in the arms of the woman he loves.

 

An encourager that can ‘show’ him that he can do it.

An advisor that can help him plan a way out of any situation.

A helper who would help him take care of the family when he is busy working.

A manager who helps manage his funds and not waste it extravagantly.

A ‘painkiller’ that miracoulsy dissolves every of his pain and worry.

A comforter who provides consolation when a business deal doesn’t go as planned.

A prayer warrior who prays her man’s dreams into reality.

 

Love to a man is feeling secure (finding peace) in his woman’s arms.

Don’t just be a woman that loves a man, be a woman that a man can love.
In the lyrics of Michael Bolton’s ever green song “When a Man Loves a Woman”

“When a man loves a woman
Can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else
He’d trade the world
For a good thing he’s found”

“When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He’d give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that’s the way
It ought to be”.

Please follow the blog on IG: @chiefkurtisblog

Previous Older Entries