Guys Only: 20 Codes of Bachelorhood

 

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The do’s and don’t of bachelorhood.

1. Never tell your real age: The thing about this code is that your age could be the difference between getting laid or making use of your hands (if you get my drift). Some girls especially the shallow minded types are all against dating someone younger. So before you reveal your age, make sure she tells you hers. If she’s older, you are two years older than her (I’m sure you get my drift). You can tell her later when the need arises. Remember, age is just a number….lol.

2. Never tell your salary: It is unforgivable for a guy to tell a girl how much she earns. Even my blood sister doesn’t know how much I earn. It’s a crime. Remember I wanted you.

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3. Never use money to toast: As soon as you use money to get a girl’s attention then be rest assured that you will need much money to keep her. Don’t start what you can’t finish.

4. Never promise marriage: This is self explanatory. Even if you feel she’s the one, don’t promise marriage.

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5. Never hit a girl: It is just wrong for a man to hit a woman. I really don’t care what she did. If you value her, don’t abuse her. Even if you don’t value her, don’t touch her. If you think you are strong, pick a fight with someone your own gender.

6. Never rape or force sex: Real men are too slick and smooth to pressure a girl into sex, rape or even date rape a girl. You want some, let your mouth or your money do the talking.

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7. Never touch these girls: Seven types of girls/ladies are out of bounds for bachelors and all men in general.
i. Any girl under 18 years old
ii. Married women
iii. Children
iv. Close friend’s girl
v. Relatives.
vi. Older women
vii. Desperate and Vunerable girl.
For more explanation on all seven, read “Seven Types of Females A Man Should Never Have Sex With”. Click HERE.

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7. Never lie about your status: If you have a girlfriend, then admit you have a girlfriend. She likes you, she will stick around. Lie and you will need more lies to cover your ass. Very uncomfortable position to be in.

9. Never kiss and tell: Only guys with low self esteem would divulge his affairs with girls to other guys. The only person that should know what happens between you and a girl is your bed sheets. Keep it to your damn self. Don’t be an asshole.

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10. Never accommodate: You know how some girls like to make their boyfriend’s house their second crib. Spending up to a month plus in his house. Don’t allow this. It’s a taboo. The highest she can stay is a week. She gets too comfortable, you are in big sh**.

 

Enough with the “Nevers”, let’s take a look at a bachelor’s pad.

11. Stay alone: As a bachelor, move out of your parents house as soon as possible. Staying with your parents with your full beards is an anomaly. No matter how small the crib is, get out.

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12. Keep it neat: Your crib doesn’t have to be expensively decorated, it just has to be neat. Once a girl is comfy in your crib, the rest is history.

13. Food: There should always be food at home, it saves you ‘fast food’ money. Better still learn how to cook.

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14.  Comfortable: Make your crib comfortable. Generator on stand by. Fuel/diesel available. DSTV/GOTV subscribed. AC chilling. Laptop stacked with movies. Drinks in the fridge. Biscuits and snacks available.

15. The Big C: There comes a time in a bachelor’s life he is torn between unprotected sex or no sex at all. Don’t be in this position. Always make protection available in your house.

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Enough of a bachelor’s pad, let’s talk about his looks.

16. Be clean: A well dressed guy is a big turn on for ladies but if you can’t afford expensive clothes just be presentable and neat. Make sure your beards are neat and well cut unless you are with the #BeardGang crew.

17. Family first: No matter what you do, always remember what matters the most and that’s family. Never forget that.

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18. Church boy: Never be too big or too busy to allocate appropriate time to worship your God. Fridays and Sundays are days to go to the mosque and the church respectively as he case may be. Pay your offerings and tithes. Love God and remember real men pray.

19. Be a giver: Always find an avenue to give because giving always attracts more blessings to the giver. The more you keep to yourself, the poorer you get. Give.

20. Save: It’s not enough to work and make some money. It is not enough to give to family, friends and people in need. Remember to save. Save for your future family. Save to afford yourself a gorgeous wedding. Save to afford the honeymoon of your dreams. Save to pay for your future wife’s hospital bills. Save for those first sets of baby diapers. Save for school fees. Don’t spend all your earnings on “enjoyment”. No matter how small, SAVE.

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Why A Jobless Man Should Not Marry

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MOVIE TITLE: The Life of a man
SCRIPT WRITER: God

Scene 1:
After God had finished creating the Heavens and the Earth, day and night, flowers and animals in all its beauty in six full days, He decided to take a break on the seventh day.
And then “the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul”.
#End of Scene 1
Scene Credit: Genesis 1, Genesis 2:7

Scene 2:
God couldn’t let man stay idle so after God created Adam, He gave him a job to do. “The LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden, to dress it, and to keep it”.
#End of Scene 2
Scene Credit: Genesis 2:15

Scene 3:
After God created man and have him a job, He called a meeting with thr Heavenly beings and said “It is not good that the man should be alone: I will make him a help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.  And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, he made woman, and brought her to the man”.
#End of Scene 3
Scene Credit: Genesis 2:18,21,22

Scene 4:
So God created man, gave him a job and then gave him a woman. He didn’t force the woman on him. Adam might have woken up and rejected the woman God had given him but he woke up and with love in his heart and a broad smile on his face said “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man”.
#End of Scene 4
Scene credit: Genesis 2:23

Scene 5 (Final Scene):
After man was created, given a job, given a woman, acknowledged his woman then they became one flesh (marriage). “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
End of Scene 5
Scene Credit: Genesis 2:24

Plot:
God created man, gave him a job, gave him a woman, he fell in love with the woman and they lived happily ever after. And we are aware that our God is a God of order.
It shows that:
God doesn’t expect any man to marry before finding his purpose on Earth.
God doesn’t expect a jobless man to get married.
God expects a man to get a job before he gets a woman to marry.

So for a full fledged man to court a woman, tell her about his intentions for marriage and not be able to take care of her and the family is an anomaly as far as God is concerned.
Love is no excuse for a man to venture into marriage without a job.

As Pastor EA Adeboye deftly put it “Don’t marry a man who has no job. Before God gave Adam Eve, he gave him a job. He said, ‘This is the garden, keep it.’ So when anybody comes to you and says, ‘Sister, thus saith the Lord, you are going to be the star in my firmament,’ ask him — ‘What is your job?’
“If he tells you he is a contractor, ask him to show you evidence of all the contracts he has done because the contract he is talking about is you. He wants to live off you.”
“Don’t be a fool. If he hasn’t got a steady income, don’t marry him. A man is to provide for the house and not the other way round. If he has no income, he should not marry. Those who do not work should not eat. And if they can’t eat, they can’t even marry.”

So as God planned it and as the man of God put it.
Ladies, don’t take a jobless mam proposing marriage serious. He is going against God’s master plan.
Guys, don’t take a woman to the altar if you are not yet gainfully employed. You are going against God’s master plan.

 

Plot Credit:
http://punchng.com/adeboyes-marriage-teachings-cause-stir/

For Guys Only: The 15 C’s of Bachelorhood

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Enough has been said about the do and don’ts of bachelorhood so this writer isn’t about boring you with too much information. Below are 15 important C’s in a bachelor’s life.

1. Cash: A bachelor finds his identity by the type of job or business he is engaged in. Money makes the world go round and money makes differentiates a bachelor from a mummy’s boy.

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2. Chances: A bachelor isn’t one that leaves his life to chance. He plans ahead. Financially, he saves for the future and doesn’t spend his money on impulse. A smart bachelor has short term and long term goals. He has yearly achievement targets. He has five to ten years plans. Don’t just live for everyday. Live for the future.

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3. Chaste/Condom: The rate at which young men are becoming fathers and at worst contacting deadly diseases is alarming. Women bring down men faster than a bulldozer can destroy a house. The weapon is their body and the process is sexual. Remain chaste and avoid sexual immorality to avoid stories that touch. But if you can’t stay away from sex, condoms do a great job. Why risk future heartache for 30 minutes at most of unprotected sex.

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4. Contraceptive: We get inundated with claims that dogs are a man’s best friend but a sexually active bachelor with the knowledge of contraceptives like Postinor 2 will beg to differ. Instead of encouraging her to abort a child, encourage her to kill the sperm cells in her womb before it teams up with her egg to form a baby.

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5. Confidence: A girl with low self esteem would still get guys over her. Imagine a guy with the same issue. A bachelor riddled with low self esteem is one of the most pitiable sights ever. You are a man. Yes a man. Be confident, man!!

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6. Character: A bachelor should have an unwavering character. His YES should be his YES and his NO should remain his NO. Come rain, come shine. Never compromise.

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7. Charisma: Wikipedia defines charisma as “compelling attractiveness or charm”. Whereras money makes you fake friends, charisma attracts real friends. With charisma comes courteousness (politeness). Both go hand in hand.

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8. Car: Enough has been said about having a car and being readily mobile. As long as your vehicle takes you from point A to point B, you are game.

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9. Crib: No bachelor should feel comfortable staying in his father’s house. His mission is to move out ASAP. You have a crib in Banana Island or a room and mattress in Surulere. You are independent. That’s all that matters.

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10. Cautious: There are two things a bachelor should guard against. His money and his marital status. Girls are after both. Some after his money while others after his marital status either through hook (pregnancy) or crook (pretense). Be very careful.

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11. Caring: A bachelor should possess caring genes. Remember to treat a lady like you would want your daughter treated.

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12. Cheat: Some ladies have the belief that all men cheat. The truth is that although many men cheat, many more men are faithful. It’s easier to cheat than take the faithful road. Be up to the challenge. Choose right and be loyal to her.

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13. Content: No matter what you do, the type of car you drive or the girl you are dating. There is always gonna be someone richer than you, finer than you and there is always gonna be a girl sexier, prettier and classier than you girlfriend. Be contented.

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14. Crime/Coward/Children: Remember to be a bachelor with class demands that you make sacrifices and uphold certain virtues that others might consider outdated.
i. Any money you can’t testify about in church is not worth it. Crime might give you temporary gratification but could generate permanent regrets. Crime doesn’t pay. Work hard, believe in yourself, trust in God and your pay day will come. Clean money.

IMG_20160712_195827 ii. A coward is a man that promises a girl marriage just to get in bed with her. A coward is a man that physically assaults or emotional batters a lady. A coward is a man that sleeps with under-age girls to satisfy his twisted sexual appetite. A coward is a man that rapes a lady because she refuses to give her consent. Don’t be a coward.

IMG_20160617_183754 iii. Children are adorable and heavenly creatures but should not be introduced into the World prematurely. Don’t be a father with a baby mama but a father with a wife.

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15. Christ: Let’s imagine a Christ-less bachelor and a Christ-filled one.  Where one hustles for every dime he makes, the other glides into wealth with grace. Where one spends nights in clubs with girls, the other is planning into his future with the Word of God. Where one boasts about his sexual prowess or the depth of his pocket to any girl that cares to listen, the other talks about salvation and Jesus Christ to everyone who cares to listen. Where one is worried about the future, the other is rest assured that his future is bright. Be a Christ filled bachelor today.

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The Bachelor Life: The 8 Types of Bachelors (Part 2)

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After discussing the added pressure a bachelor faces by attending weddings in the first episode of our Bachelor’s Life series, click HERE to read. We began the new series “8 Types of Bachelors”, click HERE to catch up. Let’s continue from where we left off.

5. Deputy Chief Bachelor (34 – 37 years):
The fifth stage of bachelorhood and the first real pleasure laden stage. It’s at this stage that parents get worried and start asking questions. It’s at this stage that you mum would call you from nowhere and invite you to your younger cousin’s wedding as a way of indirectly passing her “get married” message to you. It’s at stage that any girl your mum sees you with gets scrutinized from head to toe. She keeps telling herself “I hope this is his final bus-stop. I like her, she’s nice.” At this stage, a guy still living with his parents should be taken to one of the churches along Lagos-Ibadan Expressway for deliverance.

For Girls: Be warned, guys are this stage are the baddest players. They have the coolest bachelor pad, the bad ass rides, the gorgeous suits. They are the ones that spend the most in the clubs. They have enough to spend and no family to spend it on. The catch here is that at this stage, he has a serious girlfriend he is still watching (to know if she’s the right one) while also playing around with other money/marriage hungry girls. Be careful not to be one of his side chicks.

6. Chief Bachelor (38 – 40 years):
At this stage, a man has officially forfeited two things: The right to have a grown up child at his 50th birthday and the right to retire early (he has to keep working till around 70 to fend for all his children). Very pitiful.

For Girls: Dating a Chief Bachelor is like dating the guy every girl wants but can’t have. Girls just meet a guy at this stage, chop, clean mouth and go and marry a serious guy. Very pitiful.

7. Bachelor General (41 – 48 years):
This is the stage a man’s parents begin invoking spiritual curses on anyone that is causing the marital delay of their son.
A man at this stage has either been heartbroken by someone he intended marrying or is not just a serious human being. Any man that chooses to be 70 years old when his first child is just finishing school is not serious.

For Girls: At this stage, he is desperate so just get pregnant for him and he will marry you. Only if guys were wired to work that way..lol. On a serious note, the only girls allowed to marry such am elderly bachelor are girls knocking on the menopause door or money hungry girls. You are young and you marry someone this “old”, just remember he will die before you, the older he is now, the more years you will spend as a widow. Marry a young man Miss young lady.

8. Field Marshall (49 years and above):
These are the godfathers of bachelorhood. The ones that even their parent’s have given up hope on. I pity the parents that have such a man as the only child. The dream of seeing their grandchildren is like dreaming of buying fuel in Nigeria at N50/liter. Not impossible but highly improbable.

For Girls: Please don’t. He is a single sugar daddy. Just don’t.

The Bachelor Life: The 8 Types of Bachelors (Part 1)

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After discussing the added pressure a bachelor faces by attending weddings in the first episode of our Bachelor’s Life series, click HERE to read. In this installment, we are going to be describing the 8 types of bachelors.

1. Bachelor 1 (20 – 22 years):
This is the first stage or often called the virgin stage of bachelorhood. As soon as a man capable of impregnating a girl quits his teenage years (13 to 19), he automatically becomes a bachelor. He is still a young inexperienced man still probably in school and leaving with his parents. He is incapable of getting married at this stage and is given a pass to “enjoy life”.

For Girls: Dating a guy at this stage and expecting marriage is like cooking a stone and expecting it to turn to meat. Marriage is as far from his mind as telling the truth to the devil.

2. Bachelor II (23 – 26 years):
This is the second stage of bachelorhood and the stage where a young man starts to fight for his independence. He is about finishing school or just completed service and has to learn the ropes of fending for himself. Only a handful of guys get married at this stage, maybe 5 in 100. Any man that marries at this stage is either the son of a rich man, got his girl pregnant or just a remarkable young man (I envy him).

For Girls: If you are eager to get married, please don’t date a guy in this stage unless you guys are childhood sweethearts. Please leave him to make a name for himself. Marriage is not a plate of beans. You know how much ordinary Pampers costs?

3. Senior Bachelor (27 – 29 years):
The third stage of bachelorhood is the most critical stage. It’s at this stage that a man starts getting the “when are you getting married” stares from relatives. He is knocking on the door of 30 and at this stage should have a stable source of income and has moved out from his parent’s house. For those working in the same vicinity as the family house, no need moving out yet but start making plans. You are getting too old and being unable to bring girls to the crib (often referred to as the bachelor pad or slaughter house) is a sad sight.

For Girls: At this stage, being in the same age bracket as your Senior Bachelor boyfriend is an added layer of pressure to yourself. You need to exercise plenty patience. If you can’t, move on because you are gonna be frustrated.

4. Principal Bachelor (30 – 33 years):
The fourth stage of bachelorhood is the “keep deceiving yourself” stage. It’s at this stage that guys swear that they will get married but with every news of a broken celebrity marriage, with every failed relationship, with every money problem, with every fuel increase comes additional excuses.
Most bachelors are this stage are excuse manufacturers.
Suffice to say that this is the most ideal stage to get married and the most common age bracket for the transition from bachelorhood to married life.

For Girls: Dating a guy before he enters this stage, behaving yourself, working for your money and faithlessness is the gateway to getting that ring. He is ready, trust me. He is just making sure he dots the i’s and crosses the t’s before proposing. Give him a reason to doubt you and expect him to delay and delay until temptation will lead you astray.

Click HERE to continue Part 2:
5. Deputy Bachelor (34 – 37 years)
6. Chief Bachelor (38 – 40 years)
7. Bachelor General (41 – 48 years)
8. Field Marshall (49 years and above)

The Bachelor Life: The Added Pressure of Attending Weddings

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Gone are the days when a young man could attend a wedding with peace of mind. The days one could just go to a wedding, without a care in the world, enjoy a plate or two of the World famous jollof rice, take a few shots of wine, meet fine chicks, take pictures, collect souvenir, head home, sleep and wake up the next day like nothing happened.

A young man can’t be knocking on the door of 30 like I am and be able to attend weddings without added pressure. Like the rising cost of food items, dwindling Naira, faltering economy and the recent N145 price of fuel wasn’t bad enough. Can a young man breathe?

Attending a wedding for a bachelor of my grade has shifted gear in the following ways:

  • Attending a relative’s wedding means daddy, mummy and those nosy Aunties and Uncles would go about with that annoyingly depressing “when are you inviting us to yours?” line and you have to fake that smile and say “soon ma”. Mind you, soon in a bachelor’s dictionary is a time frame between two years and ten years. Let them keep asking, I will keep ‘soon-ing’ them.
  • I attended a wedding of this 40 years old groom and his 21 year old bride and I was jealous. I thought to myself, this dude is so lucky. By the time he is 60, his wife will be just 41 years old. So he is getting older but his wife is still young and fresh. Lucky bastard. So let’s assume I am 30, if I have to enjoy such privilege then I have to marry a 11 year old girl. Isn’t that illegal? So can I at least wait till I am 40 so I can marry a young wife and not marry someone that at old age we would be using walking stick together. Gosh.
  • Nowadays attending a wedding as the old man they make me feel and being gainfully employed comes with the added pressure of spraying money or at least giving the couple a heavy envelope. So a young man can’t just come and eat and go?
  • There is nothing more intimidating that watching your friends getting married and leaving you in the bachelor zone. Or there is something more intimidating, when this friend is younger than you (that’s when you will ask yourself by yourself “bros when are you getting married?”). Then to make matters worst, the young friend getting married isn’t even as financially buoyant as you are. There goes the “I want to make money before I marry” excuse. Damn.
  • Oh lest I forget. The ex girlfriend you jilted or broke up with is getting married. Then the next ex. Then the next ex. Is something wrong with me? To add insult to injury, those friends that knew you guys as a couple way back in school oblivious of her marital status would be like “Ehen, how far Jennifer. You guys still together?”. Only if they knew Jennifer is married with two kids. Is at that moment network gets bad. “Bros I can’t hear you, network is bad. Let me call you back”. Idiot, be there asking stupid questions that don’t concern you.
  • “Daddy would buy it for me” was the excuse a young boy would give when invited for a relative’s wedding and told to buy asoebi. Now, a young man is expected to spend N10,000 on asoebi material, spend money sowing it, buy fuel and transport himself to the wedding, spray money, eat jollof rice with one meat and end up taking a cup and plate as souvenir. Comon, business people, is that a good investment? Please marry, I don’t have to attend. Do I?03ddde2f1950f761c672be962310d79e
  • Gone are the days when a bachelor could attend a wedding and not notice the deco, cake, asoebi, food, MC and the likes. Now any serious bachelor has to take note of such “trivial” things because it will soon be his turn. He needs to take the good points of each wedding attended, combine them to make his great.
  • A young man used to be able to attend a wedding, notice a few fine chicks, get a few pins and numbers and call it a night. Nowadays, you attend a wedding and you are either bombarded with “the bride’s sister or her bride’s maid is not married yet” statements from well meaning friends. Then one has to deal with single girls going desperate with their cleavage busting, fresh laps showing dresses. This is too much pressure.
  • Then the married folks have the audacity to form senior brother. You know that look married folks give single folks like us at weddings. That “this was me and it could be you too” look. Bros, please let me be. God’s time is the best.
  • Lastly and for those dumb enough to go to a wedding with their girlfriends. This is a lose-lose situation because if you act so jovial and happy at the wedding, she gives you that “aren’t you ashamed of yourself, we are supposed to be married” look. If you look quiet and reserved, she gives you that “maybe seeing his friend get married is making him think about getting married soon” look.  Then if God wants to punish you, the MC discloses that the newly married couple met each other just last year and you and bae have been dating for 5 years. Expect a very long quiet drive home brother.

 

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READ: “The 8 Types of Bachelors”. Click HERE and HERE