Date Your Wife and Marry Your Girlfriend

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“Date your wife and marry your girlfriend” – Kurtis Smith, 2015

I can’t stress the above quote enough. Let me break it down.

Date your wife: Most people enter into relationships for various reasons. For companionship, to be taken care of (women are mostly guilty of this), for the sex (men raise your hands), for social acceptance, to blend in or even because of boredom. Only a fraction of relationships that start on such shaky grounds ever reach the altar and even so only a small percentage of them last 10 years happily.

But imagine, a man sees a woman in her flaws and envisions “forever after” with her. He looks out for her best interest at heart. Builds her. Supports her. Forgives her. Loves and cherishes her. He is dating his wife.

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Marry your girlfriend: Then they get married. From that wedding day, the title changes from wife to girlfriend. We have made the title “wife” heavy with too much responsibility. A wife should be this. A wife should be that. Too much pressure. Instead he treats her like his girlfriend. He doesn’t make her to wash/clean/cook and all those wifely mumbo jumbo. He takes her on dates, makes love to her anywhere and everywhere, spoils her, cocoons her in unbinding love. He is married to his girlfriend.

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So remember, when next you envision marriage. Try it the other way around. Date your husband and marry your boyfriend. YOLO should actually be YOMO. You Only Marry Once.  Don’t make divorce an option. Marry your boyfriend/girlfriend today.

#CoupleGoals: IG—>>>> @timi_dorgu and @ife_x.

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Angry Feminists: When Women Can’t Cook

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I wonder what happened to the women who knew how to cater for their families and where actually proud of it. Now you mention “kitchen”, feminists will tag you a misogynist. .

We live in a world which has forgotten their “foundation”.

We live in a world where baking has nothing to do with the kitchen but a make up term.

We now live in a world fast food is the fast way to prepare family meals.

We live in a world where girls are afraid to slay common chicken but have no problem slaying to events. .

We live in a world where #pepperdemgang can’t even touch pepper with their bare hands because it’s “hot”.

We live in a world where girls know more number of sex positions than number of dishes they can prepare.

As I said feminists will call me misogynist to hide their shame but truth be told, a man that can’t take care of his family is a joke whereas a woman that can’t cook for her family is a joker.

 

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The Unavailability of “Wife Materials” In Nigeria

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After downing his fourth bottle of Orijin, Wale said in his almost drunken state “my brothers, finding a good wife material in this country seems to be getting more difficult with each passing year. It almost seems technology/makeup has in its wake, eroded the wife material virtues in our ladies.”.

Ikechukwu who had two University girls sitting on his lap at the bar agreed adding “see eeeh, girlfriend material is readily available but wife material is scarce. Even the get-a-wife-in-church mantra has almost died down because our churches are occupied by girls who dance Shoki or Sekem in the club with skimpy clothes on Fridays and shout Halleluyah with covered hair in church on Sundays. I think I have to go to the village to get a wife because…..”

Chuks who was already getting worked up with the whole wife material topic when all he wanted to talk about was how soon he would get some clean runs girls to bed that night interjected Ikechukwu saying “village? you want to get wife material in the village? You don’t even know anything this man. Times have changed so drastically that getting a wife in the village is as outdated as posting letters at the post-office. The only materials you can find in the village are materials to sew clothes and househelp materials. Our village girls nowadays seem to be competing with each other on who would get pregnant first. Let me tell you, it is easier to find crude oil in your village than to find a good girl educated enough and well brought up to marry. My brothers, seems going abroad is the only option now.”

Wale added “Yes o, abroad is the way forward o. Our girls nowadays can’t even cook. They spend more time on their beds pinging away their lives than they do in the kitchen. They have more time for physical grooming (makeup, human hair etc) than they have for mental or even spiritual advancement. Even the beautiful manageable ones are busy sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry that can buy them a phone”

Ikechukwu interrupted proceedings by asking for the whereabout of the celebrant. “Where Yaw sef. Person wey dey celebrate promotion for office. The guy dey try o. Married for over 5 years now and still working his ass off at the office. Big ups to him. Where is he?”

Yaw being the only married man in the group was outside conversing with his wife on phone when the whole “wife material” drama was unfolding. He got back inside just in time before a search party was about being organized to look for him. “Guy were you dey since na?”, Chuks asked. “Abeg, I go follow my wife talk, make una no vex. So what did I miss?” Yaw replied.

“Na the unavailability of wife material in this country we dey discuss o” added Wale. Yaw smiled, drank his already getting warm bottle of STAR Lager beer and began the talk that would end up changing the lives of Ikechukwu, Chuks and Wale.

He commenced by asking them all a question.
“How many weddings did you guys attend last year?” Yaw asked.
Wale: “Well, its not like I am keeping count but I am sure I attended over 10 weddings”
Ikechukwu: “How does that have to do with the availability of wife materials na?”
Chuks: “Seven or eight”
Yaw continued “Good. So that shows that contrary to your views that good wife materials are not available, so many young ladies got married in 2014. You guys are here busy “sampling” babes and dumping them for flimsy excuses especially you Ikechukwu and in front of your koro koro eyes, these same girls get married to more serious guys. You all have to man up and stop making excuses for your unseriousness. You guys are past 30 years and still here popping champagne, changing cars, acquiring the latest phones, sagging pants and showing your swags while wasting time waiting for a blend of Mother Theresa and Beyonce as wife material. It is high time, you select one out of the babes you have almost wrecked and groom as a wife before you run out of best-men for your wedding. Trust me on this, we don’t have good “wife material” problems in Nigeria, we have inexperienced, unserious and irresponsible “husband materials” issues.

Yaw finished his “gospel message” and sipped his bottle of STAR while his bewildered friends looked down, probably hoping for the ground to open up and swallow them. This life.

 

 

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Short play adapted from this picture on Yaw’s Instagram page